The Hills: They Tried to Make Her Go to Rehab

Getting sober is nothing to joke about, but it is the cause for some very, very serious reality television moments. Just ask Holly Montag, who refutes accusations that she is a drunk with slurry, drink-in-hand dances.

We have a feeling that if this secondary character from this Malibu-based show—where people talk about a party, go to a party, and then talk about what happened at a party—actually went to rehab it would sound something like this:

Hi, everyone. My name is Holly, and I’m an alcoholic. (Hi, Holly!)

I don’t really know where to start. I guess everything started to unravel when I was at this party on the beach at this girl Kristin’s house. I showed up, and the first thing I did was make a cocktail, even though there was this girl, Stacie, hanging out there and she is a professional bartender. Why can’t she make my Jack and Coke? Kristin is bitching because she is dating this guy, Justin Bobby. I don’t know, maybe you heard about him? He was supposed to come to the party but texts and says he can’t come and Kristin is pissed and bitching out it. So, of course I start drinking, because how else are you going to deal?

Then this guy Brody, who I always thought was really hot, but he said he won’t date me because I don’t have a drag queen name, he shows up with all his boys and they’re drinking 40s. Now this is a party. I talk to Brody for a bit and I’m all like “Why are you still with that tranny?” And he’s like, “I don’t know. She thinks I want to bone Kristin and I’m all, ‘She’s just a friend.’ Now Jayde won’t come.” The stress of this makes me want to drink even more, until Jayde shows up and Brody starts to pay attention to her. That’s when I think it’s a good idea to start dancing. I love dancing when I drink and I just flail about and everyone stares at me and I love the attention.

Brody still won’t look at me, he’s inside talking to Jayde, and he’s happy that she’s there for a minute, but that she was really drunk and Brody said she drank a whole bottle of Jaegger, but I know that’s a lie, because I drank most of it trying to get the “courage” to dance. They get in a fight and Jayde barges past Justin Bobby (have you heard of him?) as he shows up at the party. I’m looking for a half-full 40 that doesn’t have any cigarette butts in it and I hear Kristin talking to Justin (she’s heard of him, all right) and he’s all, “Wasn’t my joke text really funny.” And Kristin was like, “I don’t get the joke. Why did you have to say that. Why not just show up.” And he’s like, “Cause it’s funny.” I must have passed out behind the bar and I said “Isss na funny, Justin Bobby. You’re na funny a tall!”

Then some girl with a clip board and a camera crew gave me another 40 and told me to go back in the kitchen and they had the same conversation all over again. I thought it was a dream, like I was so drunk that I was hallucinating that our lives were some kind of television show and that I had played my part for the day and it was time to break character and go home, but I couldn’t, because the character is me. I kept trying to say this to Stacie, the bartender, and she just gave me another drink and picked a wad of gum out of my hair and called me a cab. I bet in the morning that bitch Stacie woke up and made a drink before she even had her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then went out on the beach and told Kristin that I have a drinking problem.

The next day, my sister, Heidi, and her sister-in-law, Stephanie, called me over to Heidi’s house. I was so glad when I got there that Heidi wasn’t “babysitting” for the child actor that she calls Enzo that she hires every so often to try to convince her husband that it’s a good idea to have kids. Enzo is real annoying, and he makes me feel guilty for putting Jameson in my coffee because he says, “My mommy does that too!”

They try to give me some sort of inner tension? Inbetweener? Something where they tell me not to drink. Stephanie is all “rehab saved me life,” and I wanted to be all “it didn’t stop you from getting a DUI last week, biatch. SNAP!” but I didn’t. I let Holly tell me she’s concerned about me. We both started crying. I’m not sure why. I just don’t like it when everyone pays attention to me and I’m sober. I needed a drink and a dance break something bad. But then Stephanie said I had to go to rehab, I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, I wanted a drink and a dance, so I stormed out and flipped them the bird on the way out.

I went next door to Enzo’s mom’s house and she was waiting on the front porch with a martini in hand. “Trust me, sister. I know just what you need.” And she held open the door as I walked in and collapsed on the couch. “With extra olives!” I said, because I hadn’t eaten breakfast and my sunglasses were making my neck sore, so it had to be time to feed.

Maybe it was the booze or maybe because I hadn’t had anything but those two olives and three Tic-Tacs in a week, but I must have passed out. I had a dream that Jayde started another fight with Brody, telling him that she thinks he has feelings for his ex, Kristin, and that means that he does. Even when he denies it, she turns his denial all around and confuses him and makes him think that he’s in love with Kristin. Brody is hot, but it’s pretty easy to convince him of just about anything.

Suddenly, I bolted awake, or at least I thought I did. I don’t know, maybe I was still dreaming. I had been stripped naked and was tied to a bed and a bunch of old people in robes were circled around me chanting. There was a star in a circle painted in dark red on the comforter and all this crazy shit on the walls. Everyone was naked and Brody was standing next to me, he was naked too and looked good but he said “Quiet, Holly, just go back to sleep. Everything is going to be OK.” They were all holding candlesl. Justin Bobby—I know you’ve heard of him—he tightened the restraints as everyone was getting closer to the bed and kept saying that I looked so much like this girl Rosemary, but I never heard of her. And then Spencer, my brother-in-law came in and tried to have sex with me. He said that Heidi wasn’t right to carry his baby, no matter how much she wanted it, and I was the one who was going to give birth to the anti-freeze, the anti-climax, I don’t know, it was anti-something and this dream was freaking me out.

When I woke up, back at my place in a pair of tattered jeans with chucks of my smashed sunglasses still in my hair, I knew it was time to get clean. I never thought that rock bottom would be filled with so many naked people and a very strange altar in my sister’s neighbor’s basement, but it lead me here, so it must have been the will of God, or some other dignitary.

Thanks for listening.

Spencer Pratt Says Sister’s DUI “A Big Ado About Nothing!”

Spencer Pratt who has had his problems with drinking says "no big deal" that his sister Stephanie was caught drinking and driving. According to Spencer told US Magazine everyone in Hollywood does it. King of unintelligence Spencer says that it is difficult in Hollywood when everyone is giving you free drinks it is hard to say no. Reality check Spencer - you are suppose to know that it is not a good idea to drink and drive. You have to be responsible enough to say NO and hand your car keys to someone else!

The Divorce Gets Even More Nasty!

If you thought it was nasty before, that was just the beginning!

Stephanie Seymour and ex-hubby Peter Brant are pretty much in an all out war in the courtroom.

Peter is now asking the judge for sole custody of their kids because the former model has repeatedly submitted invalid urine samples when being tested for drugs and alcohol.

Back in September the ex-model’s urine test came up negative for Subutex (a drug similar to methadone) even though she takes 24mg daily.

Stephanie submitted another urine test earlier this month, but the tester said the sample wasn’t at the minimum valid temperature and once again tested negative for Subutex.

Shady shady!

The White Birch Paper owner is also claiming that Stephanie and a moving crew broke into their Florida mansion and took $700,000 worth of stuff.

Dayum!

To add fuel to the fire, Seymour was supposed to be with the kids the day she looted the Florida residence while the childrenz stayed behind in a Connecticut hotel room.

In addition to asking for sole custody of their 3 kids, Brant is asking the judge to reduce Stephanie’s time with them, order her to attend AA meetings and not drink booze.

And we thought Lindsay was a train wreck!

[Image via Flashpoint/WENN.]

Stephanie Pratt arrested for DUI

Seen here in her only useful form, Stephanie Pratt just got snagged for DUI early this morning, according to TMZ: Law enforcement tells us Pratt, who appears frequently on MTV’s “The Hills,” was busted this morning at 3:45 AM… …read full story

Stephanie Pratt Got Arrested

And no, she wasn’t put in handcuffs because she’s associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn’t arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills’ was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: “So this is how we’re trying to stay relevant.”

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt’s latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I’d be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn’t need to drive. Stephanie should’ve puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would’ve carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

The Hills: The Island of Misfit Sex Toys

What would it be like to live in a world where you are the only person with a job? Stacie The Bartender gave us a page of her diary so we could live vicariously through her.

Dear Diary,
I woke up at about one today because Kristin was banging on my door with three cameras and two ladies in tight jeans with clipboards. They all wanted me to go shopping at The Hustler store. It must be really hard for Kristin to be so famous in Canada that people are following her around all the time. I wouldn’t want to have all those cameras on me.

Anyway, we go to the store and we play with some sex toys, but we’re really looking for a present for Kristin’s ex boyfriend Brody. I totally tried to sleep with Brody once, when Kristin was back in Canada getting famous. I kept giving him free shots of Patron hoping that he would tell me how pretty I was, and then when he was really wasted we kind of made out a little bit, but it was all fun. Then he told me that he can’t date a girl with a job, because he has needs. Then he met this girl named Jayde. I don’t know how I know that her name is spelled with a Y in the middle, but she just seems like she would, you know.

Because it’s during the day, I get invited to Brody’s birthday party. It’s very exciting and there are lots of girls in bikinis jumping on trampolines. It’s just like the bar where I work. And then all these girls like Stephanie and Lo are there and they are asking me to get them drinks. Can’t they tell the difference between when I’m at work and when I’m not? God, I only wear a bikini at work and a one piece when I’m out with my friends. It’s not that hard to tell the difference.

Everyone keeps asking Kristin where “her man” is, and by that I think they mean Justin Twonames, because it would be kind of weird to take her dad to a birthday party. Even though Justin Twonames isn’t showing up, Kristin is telling everyone she’s dating him. I tried to date Justin Twonames once, and he came over and surfed while I lounged on the beach and watched him. And then he came up and shot water all over me from a hose and I jumped up in down in my bikini, even though I wasn’t working. But then I realized he had a huge tattoo that said “Italia” across his chest and I was like, awesome, and then I told him that I wanted to get tattoos of stars on my toes, and he thought that was stupid. Wait. That didn’t happen to me, it happened to Kristin. But she told me about it.

After the birthday party, I totally called the bar and told them I wasn’t coming in because Kristin was having an afterparty for Brody at her house. At first, no one was there, and Kristin and I were hanging out and I was telling her all about the exact science behind mixing drinks. I told her that I was thinking of creating, like, a school where we could train bar scientists, but I call them mixologists, because that sounds way more official. Well, Brody showed up and said that he got in a big fight with Jayde about whether or not to go to the party. Luckily we didn’t have to hear that much about the fight, because it sounds boring. I just want to do more shots. Hey, Diary, do you want a shot? Cheers!

The next morning, I woke up on the couch in my bikini, which probably means that all the boys got me drunk and convinced me to make drinks for them. Gosh, why is it that all they think I’m going for is making cocktails? Well, I do make a mean cocktail, so I poured out the liquid from all of the half-full containers into a cocktail glass and used some science and it became a Cosmo. See, if your glass is half-full you can make it full-full and drink before noon. Being a “Mixologist” is great!

But sometimes I get jealous of those girls that don’t have to work. It must be nice to be Heidi and stay home all day and think about new ways to pester Spencer into having babies. You know, that is really going to work. I almost convinced Spencer to father my baby once. I was all “I’m going to keep inviting the neighbor kid over until you knock me up” and he was like “Ok, but I’m totally going to torture him.” That’s totally cool, cause I’ll do all the parenting. But the pregnant part I can’t do alone. We both have to pee on that stick or it won’t have two blue lines which means that I’m gonna have his baby. Then Spencer took me out to dinner and he was wearing this stupid cowboy hat and I was like “Sorry, I don’t want my baby to be born with hat head,” so I dumped him and got a job working at the very bar where we were talking. And I’ve been a working girl ever since.

No one wants to hang out with Audrina these days, and they’re saying that they have to because of some TV show, and I keep telling them that it’s not a TV show, it’s the paparazzis because Kristin is so famous in Canada. And then they’re all, “Can I have a vodka soda?” and I’m all, “Hello, one piece! Make it yourself!” Anyway, Kristin told me I have to hate Audrina because went to the Tool concert and ran into this guy Derrick. Then they went out on a date. Talk about a tool concert. LOL. I’m so funny. Ok, Diary. Time to put on my bikini and go to work.

Kisses,
Stacie

The Hills and The City Kiss Princes to Make Frogs

There was a lot of ticking last night. Heidi’s biological clock was making noise and so was the time bomb of Roxy working at People’s Revolution. Oh, and Audrina was ticked off, but no one seems to care.

The trouble with Heidi and Spencer began with a visit from Stephanie to their glass coffin when Heidi confessed that she had eaten the poisoned apple and wanted to fall into the deep, deep sleep of motherhood. Spencer only cares about himself and hates kids. We find him to be deplorable but his decision not to spawn with Heidi means to be one of his smarter decisions, like every time he takes off one of his ridiculous hats. But Snow Heidi has enlisted Seven Dwarves of the Apocalypse, and their names are Giuseppe, Luigi, Antonioni, Malfi, Anthony, Vincente, and Enzo, and they are brought over to the house by their parents Caroline and Seth, who are Speidi’s new neighbors.

This is all just a plan to get Spender (as Enzo calls him) to get hip to giving her some babies, because she is tired of shopping for clothes for herself and has been banned from just about every clothing store in the greater Los Angeles area, so for her to continue shopping, she must have a baby and enter into the untapped maternity/baby wear retail market. Hey Big Spender (duh da duh nah) is not down with this plan and when Heidi volunteers to babysit for the Seven Dwarves, Spender says “Hey, ho, it’s off to work you go,” and tells Seth and Caroline to go back to the queen with a deer’s heart in a box.

Later, little Enzo escapes the witch’s clutches and runs to the embrace of another harpy, Heidi, who puts him under the spell of some video games. The wee thing wails on the Wii and when Spender comes home, he refuses to babysit for free. This is what happily ever after looks like, ladies and gentleman, and we wish that Heidi would just slip back into her coma and leave the rest of us alone.

Once upon a time, Kristin was across town having a conversation with the producers that went something like this:
“Hey Mary from MTV, with your little clip board and denim miniskirt, why am I sitting at this restaurant to have lunch with Audrina and she’s not here. Is she coming?”
“No, she’s not. How do you feel about that? Are you angry? Show us angry.”
“Yeah, I’m angry. At you for wasting my time! Did you know she wasn’t coming?”
“Did you know she wasn’t coming?”
“I thought she was coming because you set up this lunch and told me to be here. So, is she coming?”
“Well, no. We told her to, but then she went shopping and decided that she didn’t want to.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“We were hoping you would throw a scene and make some angry phone calls when she didn’t show up. And your cell phone is right here, why don’t you pick it up and…”
“I don’t want to talk on the phone, I want to have lunch. I’m starving, and I got my hair done all nice and now I have no one to eat with. Don’t make me waste good hair on footage we can’t even use. Who can you get here?”
“We can probably get Lo. She never has anything better to do.”
“Alright get Lo over here.”

Twenty minutes later, Lo arrives. They talk about something and we get a few good shots of Kristin’s good hair. All is not lost.

Audrina was too busy worring about her new career as a medium. She figured that she looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and that means that she has magic powers. Her first case was to help the lead singer of Vedera, who is possessed by the spirit of Natalie Imbruglia. The spiritual infestation caused her to cut her hair and play the piano and sing while coyly eyeing all the boys in the audience. Audrina thinks that by bringing her friends to the show, she can cure Natalie of her horrible condition, but it doesn’t really work, because Audrina is soon possessed by the spirit as well, swaying back and forth and blinking at the stage with her big wide eyes of wonder. Until she feels a disturbance on the spirit plane.

Yes, across town Justin Bobby—who shaved and now looks like Vincent Chase’s stunt double from the set of Aquaman after he had that concussion when a giant piece of kelp fell on his head—has arrived to Playhouse, a club where women are suspended from the ceiling for the enjoyment of spoiled L.A. teenagers. It’s much like the movie Hostile, but the only hostiles here are everyone when Kristin shows up. She tells Justin Twonames that she just wants to be friends, but she really wants to take sweet revenge on Audrina by shaving her name into Justin Twonames ample pubic hair.

She does this by taking him off in the corner to secretly make out in front of everyone. Stephanie sees and she thinks “Aw shit, I’m going to have to tell Audrina and she is going to try to possess me with her new voodoo powers and make me go over to Kristin’s house and cut off her pretty hair.” Brody sees it and he thinks, “Damn, that really turns me on. I never realized just how hot Justin Twonames is. No wait, I can’t be gay. I’m going to have to round up ten guys and go sit in a hot tub with them, because that is the straightest thing I could possibly do. Miss Female Illusionist Superstar 2006 Jayde sees it and, if she could think, she would think, “Wow, my tuck is really starting to hurt right now.”

And then Maleficent turns into a dragon and devours them all and flies off to New York City, where her leather turds land on Canal Street and are shaped into fake purses on The City.

The light from the blinking neon signs of Times Square filters through the Venetian blinds and casts shadows across the face of femme fatale Erin, who goes to private dick Joe Z because she’s having some trouble. Her man is seeing another lady called Olivia Palermo. “Not only is she a horrible person and bad at her job, but she looks better than me, with all her money and designer clothes and Rapunzel hair. We need to take her down. I don’t have much money, but…” and she presses her manicured nails against Joe Z’s well-tailed suit and leans in for a kiss lifting one stockinged leg up in the air. Joe Z turns away, lighting a cigarette and says, “I just don’t swing that way, kid. You’re going to have to try harder.”

Madge Palermo has to go into the seedy underworld of Canal Street to buy some fake bags so that Erin can save her hide from an evil mob boss by producing a segment for the Today show. She got the idea by looking at Madge, who is a real Louis Vuitton, whereas she is the plastic kind that ladies fresh off the Sex and the City bus tour pick up in Chinatown. She hopes no one notices the difference. And if they do, she will slap them and they will say, “It’s real.” Slap. “It’s fake.” Slap. “It’s real.” Slap. “It’s fake.” Slap. “It’s real and it’s fake!”

Madge gets in a town car and rides downtown, where she walks down the steps of the subway so that a film crew can film her walking up the stairs and fool everyone in America to think that she rides the underground railroad. She may not take the J/M/Z, but she is on the underground railroad for counterfeit handbags where she meets singing folk hero Fucci Prado. This magical agent of cheap fake leather goods is on the lam from the authorities so he has encoded messages into a song which he sings while walking up and down the sidewalk with a magical menu of his wares. If his tune isn’t loud enough, he has also figured out an intricate system of messages in his clothing that displays just what he has for sale and how much it costs.

Madge is wooed by his song and buys his goods, rushing away, but turning around to blow Fucci Prado a kiss and he ambles into the crowd, crooning his city ditty and happy at another good deed performed in the service of market capitalism. She takes her spoils back to the seedy motel that Elle is using for a headquarters, and Private Dick Joe Z is finally seduced by her haul. Erin grabs his crotch and squeals, “But Joe, we had a deal!” and he says, “I don’t care, kid. The grass is always greener and you’re put out to pasture.” She turns on her heel and storms out grabbing her purse and mink stole off a wooden chair on her way out and then she quickly pivots and looks back at Joe Z and says, “You may want her now,” and the camera closes in on her face, as a single tears rolls down her cheek from underneath her veil, “But just who is going to take you to the Today show?”

Across town, two other femme fatales are dealing with Whitney, who is like the boring good girl on the show that is written out after the first act, because watching villains is so much more fun. In this case it’s Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael and Kelly Cutthroat. Roxy Carmichael wants to be everyone’s friend and she’s trying really hard, even though she is mean and slutty. There’s some sort of photo shoot for jeans and Whitney and RC have to drive a bunch of shit over. They don’t bring the clips that they are supposed to, and Kelly, looking less haggard and puffy than usual, doesn’t yell at them too much.

Then RC tells the client that he should have the model take her top off, because that is what she did after her senior prom, running along the beach with her boyfriend chasing her. It was night and dark and she stripped off her top while he chased her with camera in hand, and she held her ample breasts with one arm as she turned around doe-eyed and gazed into the lens, her eager Cassanova snapping away. As she feel backwards into the dunes, he kissed her so deeply. And in the morning, Cassie had slapped a Guess logo on the photos and sold them for millions of dollars, and all she had was a heart full of hurt and her hair full of sand.

The client loves the idea, and so does Kelly, but she wishes she had her own post-prom fantasy, and later, back at the office, she tells Roxy Carmichael that she is a very good slut, but next time, run her porno inspirations by her so that she can take credit for them. After all, she is the heroine of her own fairy tale, even though most people see her as the monster.

Letterman Totally Cuckolded His Extorter

The David Letterman Sexy Scandal has yet more “sordid” mundane details to be wrung out of it. Details about sex, between David Letterman and a lady! The same lady, Stephanie Birkitt. But more incidences of sex!

This morning’s big scoop, courtesy of the New York Post:

Pretty former “Late Show” staffer Stephanie Birkitt revealed in her diary that she continued having sex with boss David Letterman even after moving in with her CBS-producer boyfriend, who later allegedly tried to extort him over the affair, sources told The Post yesterday.

So much to parse! Birkitt is officially “pretty,” for purposes of this scandal at least. More interesting: Who is this source, who viewed Stephanie Birkitt’s diary, and then blabbed about it to the most salacious paper in America? It’s highly unlikely that it’s Stephanie herself. It’s not her boyfriend Joe Halderman, the cuckolded blackmailer. Maybe his lawyer?

OR MAYBE: David Letterman is so pissed about all of this that somebody on his side leaked this to the Post, just to make the point that, hey Halderman, Dave was totally boning your lady, how you like that? “Halderman exploded when he read Birkitt’s diary in December and learned that she was still carrying on a steamy affair with Letterman, the sources said.” We bet they did say that, the sources!

Would Halderman even gain any benefit by having his lawyer leak this? Not only is he an incompetent villainous criminal, he was also cheated on by his lady. Maybe he’s trying to play the “I too was victimized by David Letterman” card? Trade away the very last shreds of his reputation in exchange for some public sympathy?

If so, that’s bound to fail. The important thing is that the tabloids’ “Every Time David Letterman Had Sex” chart is now slightly more complete.
[Pics: AP]

David Letterman’s Blackmailer Pleads Not Guilty

Robert Joe Halderman, the 48 Hours producer who tried to extort 2 million clams from David Letterman, shouted “NOT GUILTY” today to the felony charge of attempted grand larceny. The judge took his plea and set his bail at $200,000.

In case anybody hasn’t whispered this in your ear yet, it’s been confirmed that RJH is the ex-boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt (above), who used to be Dave’s assistant. Homegirl would also appear on the show every now and again. Apparently, Stephanie and Dave used to bone on the down low before he got married to his now wife and then girlfriend.

Manhattan’s District Attorney held a press conference earlier today where he said that RJH was using some of Stephanie’s diary entries and letters to blackmail Dave. The D.A. also added that RJH tried to deposit the fake $2 million check Dave gave him. After the check bounced like it came from a Real Housewive, RJH was arrested.

Okay, what the hell kind of bunk ass extortionist is this Robert Joe Halderman dude?! Does he not watch late-night movies?! When you’re trying to blackmail a bitch, you don’t accept a check! Tell their asses you are a cash only establishment! And if you’re really at the top of your game, you tell them you want it in British Pounds and to throw in DVDs of the entire first season of Being Bobby Brown. You can’t get that shit in stores!

The Hills Hits the Grove

 

Audrina, Lo and Stephanie film The Hills at the Grove in Hollywood on September 18, 2009 where they did what they do best, shop!

 

 

Fame

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