‘N Sync’s Joey Fatone Admits He’s a Has-Been

If what you wear says a lot about who you are, someone might want to get Joey Fatone to therapy, stat!

The former member of ‘N Sync donned a rather pessimistic—although…

Nicole Kidman gets kinky on British GQ cover, talks fetish

Here’s proof that when you let a baby suck on your boobs for too long in messes up your brain. Nicole Kidman has had enough raw and oozing nipples to last her a life time and has decided to reemerge as the sexy, dangerous vixen we not know her to be in the December issue of British GQ. The result is as soft and natural as a gargoyle cyborg in stockings and a bra (because when the gallon of botox you’ve injected in your face trickles down to your g-spot, there’s so much Photoshop can do).

Anyway, bottom line is that we’ve learnt quite a few interesting things:

she needs to wear a life-vest and carry around a tube of vaseline 24/7 because her current marriage to Keith Urban is raw and dangerous, Tom Cruise’s penis was an absolute borefest (perhaps because it only woke up when other boys where in the room) and that she has explored some weird fetish stuff (which were probably going on when she and Tom were filming The Eye and involved Nicole being naked on a Pentagram while a group of scientologists examined her ruined fallobian tubes, mauled on whether to sacrifice her to Ron Hubbard and decided on a treatment course which included Tom spanking her uterus a few times a day while wearing his white robe and chanting in hopes it would wake up and produce him an offspring).

Here are excerpts of the interview:

I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

On her present marriage:

‘You work on it,’ she said. ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you’re very much out at sea. You’re exposed. You could drown.

When you commit to someone like that, you live and die together by that decision.’

‘I became famous very young. I became very famous because I was the wife of somebody,’ she told GQ.

‘I did a lot of good, worthwhile work in Australia between the ages of 14 and 19 and then I married someone famous. And really, despite the huge profile that brought to me, I was still finding my feet.

‘I know my agents at the time were like “Do not get married! It will ruin your career!” and I was like “But I’m in love”. All I know is that I wasn’t someone interested in fame. And that’s not why I got married. I wanted to work with people who intrigued me.’

Talking about people’s obsession with blogs and social networking websites, she said: ‘If you know what is going on inside somebody’s head all the time, that’s not a good place.

‘You can’t read somebody’s diary. You shouldn’t read it. I burnt most of my journals after I remarried… You’re only going to find out bad things.’

Miley Cyrus is 16, Right?

Miley Cyrus is still 16 years old, right? I d0n’t know who’s signing off on her suggestive moves, but someone thinks it’s fine. Whether someone is coreographing this stuff or not, they are still directly or indirectly agreeing that this is what the teenage singer should be doing. That’s all well and good, but she’s walking a fine line as far as I can tell. Miley Cyrus already has the bubble gum age group and now she’s trying to go for sexy to garner a bit older crowd. Miley will have to make the awkward transition from Hannah Montana into a sexy, young woman for commercial purposes. The next year or so should be interesting. Miley turns 17 in less than a month and 18 in just over a year. Wish her luck.    

Mad Men: The Night Sal Could Have Gotten Laid

Thanks to Conrad Hilton, everyone was taken over by the spirit of colonization, both personal and professional, literal and figurative. Oh, Don is back to his old tricks with a crazy lady, and Sal turned down some hot action.

The center of last night’s action was the powerful taking over the weak and trying to use them for their own selfish ends. We saw it in the Draper home, at Sterling Cooper, and especially as Don climbed the stairway to heaven to find Miss Farrell’s room over the garage. The lights were on, and somebody was at home. We wish the same could be said for Missy.

Also this week, the civil rights struggles of 1963 are starting to seep into the action, and in the ego-driven world of Mad Men, we learn more about the characters from how they react to them than the impact the events had on history as a whole.

Sal and Lee Garner, Jr: The most powerful man in this pairing is not either of these two, but Lee Garner, Sr. Two gay men in the early ’60s had no power whatsoever. Everything that Junior does is to please his father—from sticking with Lucky Strike instead of going into the movies to pretending to be straight. When Sal rejects twangy hunk Lee in the editing suite, he opens Lee up to the possibility of exposure, which would upset Senior, which would mean that Lee is out of a job and a fortune. Lee then uses what power he does have over the Lucky Strike ad budget to get Sal fired. Too bad, because that commercial (which looked like it was taken from gay classic Querelle) was pretty darn good. And after looking at that wonderful model all afternoon, it’s no wonder why Lee was ready to go.

As soon as Lee hit on Sal, he was pretty much doomed at the firm. Even if he had gone through with it, Lee probably would have been so guilty that he would have had Sal fired anyway, so he might as well have gotten a hot piece out of it rather than just getting a pink slip. The reason he didn’t is because he realized that he had no power in the situation. How is he going to defend himself from some rich, powerful client, especially when the threat of everyone learning the truth about his personal life is so close to office? Earlier this season, when the bellboy came onto him as aggressively, Sal was all about it, because what is a lowly wage slave in another city going to do to Sal?

Unfortunately, it is that event that does Sal in. When he fesses up to Don about what went on, Don doesn’t believe his story. While Don never brought up the fact that he caught Sal pink handed with the bellboy, he does use the information against him now. Why would Don trust a known homosexual’s word against someone rich and upstanding like Lee Garner Jr? But, in the end, Sal’s biggest sin wasn’t liking guys, it was putting business in danger. While Lee may not have successfully exploit Sal, he did wield his power to have him put out.

So, where does that leave Sal? Making calls to the missus from a pay phone in the park. There is a guy wearing a leather hat next to the phone booth, and nothing says gay like a leather hat, so that means Sal must be out cruising for dick in public. Stripped of his job and ambition, Sal is left powerless and isolated.

Don and Miss Farrell: We know that Missy has some serious daddy issues and probably a drinking problem, and now it seems like she’s up at all hours of the evening running around deserted streets and sitting in her cozy apartment in killer frocks. God, there is so much wrong with this girl. Why can’t Don see it?

Her biggest problem, though, is she cedes all her power to Don. When he picks her up on the side of the road and when he first arrives at her door unexpectedly, she has all the control. She knows what he wants and she has to give her consent. She even tells Don “I know how this ends.” Yeah, we do too, with you heartbroken and boiling Don’s bunny! Once she gives into Don, it’s over for poor Miss Farrell, because he has the power to ruin her, and he does it so he can have an escape from his sad little life, and to exercise some control over another after being tossed around at Conrad Hilton’s every whim.

When he finally embraces her he says, “I want you. I don’t care. Doesn’t that mean anything to someone like you.” As always, Don is all about selfishness and ego. He’s able to exploit Missy, a common school teacher who should be happy that Don deigns to look at “someone like her.”

We also get a peek into their psyches when they react to Martin Luther King’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech on the radio. Missy says she’s going to teach it to the kids on the first day of school. Ever the idealist, she thinks that the world can change for the better, just like she thinks that she can probably change Don and that their dalliance will turn into something more—or at least something she can control.

Don instructs her that she is naïve. Just like Don’s behavior never changes, he thinks that the world will never change, and that this speech is just so much hot air. He’s not against progress, he’s just never been able to muster it up for himself, so how could the rest of the world be able to do it?

Betty and Henry: No wonder Betty is with Don, because she loves being controlled. Even in her dream, a man overpowers her with his touch while she lies on her fainting couch of desire. But through their interaction, we see just how powerful a privileged housewife like Betty is over someone like Sal or Missy.

When Henry arrives at her door unannounced, she invites him in and then quickly sends him away, unlike Missy who invites Don in and allows him to get her into the sack. She forgets that she is the one who reached out to him by sending a letter, igniting the whole situation. Trying to prove her innocence in front of Carla, Betty plans a fundraiser to cover up her indiscretion. When Henry doesn’t show, Betty is in a mood. She even pouts while wearing yet another of her spendid ensembles.

She’s so distraught that he didn’t show that she can barely pull a look together to go let him have a piece of her mind in Albany. She shouts at him for making her look like a “sap” for not coming. She wanted him to arrive on his steed and throw her down on the couch and take control, but when he says to her that she had to come to him, she’s turned off. Though they kiss, she won’t have some messy romp on an office chair or a motel room. Betty is above being “tawdry,” and doesn’t want to be the one calling the shots. She leaves for good, probably.

Back at home, she and Carla discuss the girls killed in the Birmingham church bombing. Betty says it’s a travesty, but maybe it means that civil rights isn’t supposed to happen now. That’s so like her. As she said in her letter to Henry, she “has ideas,” but they’re not fully formed. They’re just bubbling under the surface as undirected anger. She wants to do something about it, but she keeps delaying, waiting for the perfect time so that it can emerge clean and fully-formed. Just like civil rights, Betty’s quest for fulfillment is going to be long and messy, and if she’s not willing to get dirty, then it’s never going to come.

Don and Conrad Hilton: Conrad Hilton is the great colonizer. Not only does he use his money and influence to push Don around, call him in the middle of the night, and order him to have drinks at all hours, but he wants America to colonize the world. He thinks that by having Hilton hotels in every location, that he can bring a bit of freedom and religion to the far reaches of the world. Communism can offer idealism, but America can offer clean towels and hamburgers! There are more shades of the just ended national nightmare of George W. Bush in him than I care to point out.

Don gives him what he wants, a brilliant ad campaign showing Americans that their influence is taking over the globe, but it isn’t enough for his finnicky client, who expresses his concern that Don didn’t comply with his strange and specific demands.

Don’s biggest disappointment must be that he sees failing Hilton as failing his father all over again. Hilton is like a hillbilly who made it big, and thereby someone who Don sees as worth impressing, but also reminds him of his past that he’s trying to reconcile with his present. Connie says that he looks at Don as a son (a sentiment that seems a little premature) becuase, like himself, Don is a bumpkin who hit the big time, something that Connie’s kids, raised in the lap of proselytizing American luxury, can’t understand. More and more, we see that he is a little bit touched, and when Don didn’t put the moon in his ad campaign, he is offended, the more so because of his rushed acceptance of Don as a member of his spiritual family. Whenever the ruler turns on the ruled, it’s never pretty.

Don and Roger: This clip is worth watching for Roger’s lawnmower quip alone, but the continuously uneasy dynamic between the two makes it especially significant. Roger, whose name is on the wall in the lobby, grows more and more resentful of Don, now that his former subject is rising up against him and trying to take the star role at the firm. Don even outlawed the man from his office and his presence, forgeting who is really in charge. When Roger tells him he’s “over his head,” he’s probably right, something that Don will hate to admit later.

Roger is also an old-school colonizer, as evidenced by his lovely blackface display a few weeks back. Just as Don thinks the civil rights movement will change nothing, Roger wishes that things would go back to the way they were, when blackface was funny and the black populace working to make the white man richer. He also longs for things in his own firm to go back to normal. He sees Don as nothing more than a house slave, there to make him money and useless without his wisdom. The two will probably be each others’ downfall.

Emmy Rossum: Adam Duritz is a Catch

Emmy Rossum is opening up about her 45-year-old rumored boyfriend, Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz.

The 23-year-old actress tells People at the grand opening of of the W Hotel in Washington, D.C., “I get why chicks dig him. He’s extremely kind, incredibly intelligent, thoughtful, creative and respectful.” (He has dated former Friends stars Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox.)

As for her dating status, Emmy would only reveal, “I don’t discuss my love life because it’s always misinterpreted or put under the microscope. It’s especially annoying when you’re dating someone else who’s well-known, which is why I normally would never go out with a famous guy… Let’s put it this way. I’d be flattered if someone hit on me tonight, but I really can’t say if I’m available or not.”

Last month, Emmy filed for divorce from her husband, music exec Justin Siegel.

No! Miley, Stay Away From Her!

Someone get Billy Ray Cyrus on the line and alert him that his daughter, Miley Cyrus, has just received an invitation from the DEVIL!

On her Twitter this past Wednesday afternoon, Lindsay Lohan offered sweet, lil’ Miles an apple from the forbidden tree – an invite to hang out together! She tweeted:

“@mileycyrus will you be in Paris this week? would you like to come to the Emanuel Ungaro show for the new collection i’ve designed love? xo*”

Miley, please, listen to us. Do not, under any circumstances, spend time with this person. She was you a mere 4-5 years ago and now, look at her! She can’t land a decent movie, her love life is in shambles, and if we may be frank, sometimes her hair looks like someone grabbed some hay and pasted it on her head. Literally, she will suck the innocence right out of you. Just look at her sister!

You don’t want your career to go the way of hers. Stay the course. Call up your girl Mandy Jiroux or someone your own age. Avoid her at all costs!!!

We also would like to extend this warning to Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, and Ashley Tisdale, as well as any other future Disney tween starletts in the making.

Sorry, there’s no helping you Vanexxxa Hudgens. You should give LiLo a call!

P.S. CLICK HERE to “follow” Perez on Twitter!

[Image via WENN.]

Simon Cowell’s Gone Soft (and Long-Winded) in His Old Age

Someone needs to pull the pen from Simon Cowell’s fingers.

While we love it when the crotchety American Idol judge decides to air his dirty laundry in public (that Susan Boyle botch…

Old People Continue To Rule Us With Iron Fists

Let’s fire up those Death Panels! (That is still funny and relevant, right?) Old people are once again responsible for our Broken Politics.

First of all, you just know that most old white people are birthers. Right? There is probably a poll somewhere, but let’s just go with our gut here.

For years now, Old People, who are already naturally conservative, have been listening to Talk Radio and then Fox News, and that has made them go from “cranky mildly racist conservatives” to “radical right-wing conspiracy theorists who are terrified of literally everything.”

Also: old people are the only people who vote consistently. They are bored and lonely, so if someone offers them a chance to get out of the house for a bit, they will go. You get a sticker and some brief human contact, it’s great!

As we all remember, it was old Jews in Florida who kept accidentally voting for Pat Buchanan, who was most recently heard from defending Hitler, again. And that is why 9/11 happened (BUSH KNEW).

And because they are the only people who vote in midterms, old people live in a government-sponsored socialist utopia. Free health care and guaranteed lifetime pensions and “public television”! It is glorious.

The effect of a bunch of lazy welfare-queen old people being radically conservative in thought is the curious specter of Republicans suddenly fighting against any reduction in Medicare, at all. But they have found one variety of Medicare that they can actually support without compromising their precious ideals (hah): Medicare Advantage, which is a program in which the government just gives money to private insurance companies.

The Democrats have decided that it would be more “fiscally responsible” to just pay the same amount for people with Medicare Advantage as they pay in “Medicare Classic.”

Well, most of the Democrats have decided this. Florida Senator Bill Nelson, though, has decided that that might scare the old people who make up almost his entire constituency. So he is fighting to protect Medicare Advantage but pretty much only for Old People in Florida.

Here is Bill Nelson explaining his tough stand:

Throughout it all, Mr. Nelson said he would remember advice he once received from Claude Pepper, a Florida congressman and champion for the elderly: “Bill, I want you to look out for our seniors. Someone has to look out for them.”

Someone has to! And that “someone” turns out to be literally everyone elected to a national office because America is a hellish geriarchy.

Jude Law AWOL for Birth of New Daughter?

Someone’s about to put a new nanny on speed dial: Jude Law is a father once again.

The star’s onetime fling, 24-year-old Samantha Burke, gave birth to a baby girl Tuesday…

That Was Quick! Khloé and Lamar to Wed on Sunday

Looks like we’ve found someone who can keep up with those Kardashians: Lamar Odom.

Khloé Kardashian and NBA beau aren’t just talking about tying the knot—they’re…

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