Afternoon Crumbs

It pains me (like an ingrown zit) to say this, but Cameron Diaz looks hot here (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Take 4,587,666: Adrianne Curry topless on Twitter – Egotastic!

But more importantly, why did Matt Damon get a lifetime achievement award in cinema? Did Milo from Milo & Otis turn that award down or something? – Lainey Gossip

How dare Puck drink two shots of Jack without offering his 8-year-old son any. Selfish! – The Superficial

Kristin Calamaris in a knock-off, low-budget version of The Slut Dress – Hollywood Tuna

One of the cowboys from Amazing Race is a ginge! Does this mean I have to add him to my file labeled “fap material“? – Towleroad

Vanity Fair finally gets a worthy cover girl – Celebitchy

Hopefully, Jude Law’s tell-all will include a chapter called, “Why Jude’s Hairline Hates Him” – Popsugar

Always wanted to know what a deaf walrus sounds like while gargling? Well, here’s 30 Seconds to Mars’ cover of Bad Romance – Just Jared

Erykah Badu’s ass is DAMN - OMG Blog

LOL weed – Cityrag

Sandra Bullock is hiding out in the Hollywood Hills - I’m Not Obsessed

Another day, another picture of some has-been giving oral to a banana at Millions of Milkshakes - Hollywood Rag

Forget the cum guard over Brit Brit’s eyes, she’s actually wearing a braaaaaaaa – ICYDK

Katy Perry must really love getting slimed - Holy Moly!

24 Is Dead!

24 has been officially canceled!

We’re sure of it this time!

Really!

Although a 24 movie is still in the works, exec producer Howard Gordon says their creative team simply ran out of new obstacles for Jack Bauer to conquer!

So don’t hold your breath for the show to move to NBC!

“If one of the writers came up with a good idea, I’d happily pitch it to Kiefer and then happily pitch to a network, whether Fox or someone else,” Gordon explained. “We just don’t have that idea, and that’s where everything has to start.”

Gordon says he’d like 24 to be remembered as a “revolutionary concept” and that the cast and crew “loved the show so much” and “never did anything less than [their] best.”

Will U miss Jack, Chloe and the rest of the 24 cast once season eight is over and done?

[Image via WENN.]

Dennis Hopper Gets His Hollywood Star

Dennis Hopper is currently battling prostate cancer and is in the middle of a filthy nasty ass divorce war, but he still managed to make it to Hollywood this afternoon to accept his star on the Walk of Fame. The likes of Jack Nicholson and Viggo Mortensen watched as a frail Dennis thanked the crowd and also explained that the bandages were the result of a recent fall.

Dennis probably knew he had to come when Jack told him he was going to wear an Easy Rider shirt. Dennis had to see this shit for himself.

Real Housewives of New York: I’ll Be Famous When I’m Dead [Recaps]

Last night’s episode was all about people’s parties. Well, a fashion show is sort of a party. At parties, the Housewives fight, they make up, they laugh, they learn, they love.

It was Fashion Week in old New York last night, and all the ladies — being among the most fashionable women in New York — just had to attend a whole host of fancy shows and events. There’s a certain duty, a noblesse oblige, once you gain the stature that the Housewives have. You may not want to do these things — because who likes all those cameras and all that attention and feeling more special than everyone else — but you have to. It just comes with the territory, the burnt-over tract of land these whinnying orcs inhabit.

One of the best things about going to fashion shows and having the cameras around is that you get to meet some truly fabulous celebrities. And oh the celebrities that the Housewives got to meet last night. First there was a loud quacking and the faraway sound of a Wurlitzer and out of the shadows loped Lisa Rinna, star of stage and screen. LuAnn curtsied and kissed Rinna’s hand and said “M’lady, your lips precede you.” Rinna blinked and said “You mean my reputation precedes me?” LuAnn’s eyes narrowed to amused slits. “Yes, that too.” So that was pretty amazing. I mean, Lisa Rinna? Do you know who she’s married to? Harry Hamlin, the ham salesman. If you haven’t had Harry Hamlin’s ham then you have never had ham. And do you know his hit song, “Hamblin’ Man”? That’s a classic. And Rinna herself, man oh man, what a performer. If you missed her as the 173rd replacement Roxie Hart then you basically should swallow a bottle of Windex and write some notes to your loved ones, because there’s just no point in going on! She was that good! So ladies, I am sufficiently jealous of your Rinna meeting. That is pretty amazing.

And you know who else they met? Perez Hilton. Can you believe that? He was just so radiant there with his orange hair and bizarre Old Orchard Beach sundress. Plus he did what all the classys are doing these days, which is grope Jill Zarin’s breasts. But it’s OK, guys, because he’s gay! So he can grab whatever the hell he wants!! Ha ha ha, isn’t that fabulous and wonderful? I certainly think so. Go Perez!! The best thing, the thing that really made me jealous that I wasn’t invited to that party, was that it was sponsored by Alize. You know, that delicious alcohol drank? Yeah. Boy oh boy. To run in Housewife social circles. To travel in those glitzy orbits. Someday, right? Some fine day.

Anyway. Yes, the girls were off at fashion shows, but they weren’t really paying attention to the clothes. Because, as Bethenny admirably pointed out, none of them really had any idea what was going on fashion-wise. I mean all these ladies want to wear is some brightly colored zoot suit with a designer tag stapled into the collar and they are hot to trot. So really the fashion shows are just a way to schmooze and be seen and, hopefully hopefully hopefully, photographed. And also to fight. Oh man all they did this episode was fight. Just bicker and bicker. X is mad at Y who’s mad at Z and then Z is mad at X and then R comes along and starts singing “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy” in the middle of the room and everyone just stops and stares and forgets what they were just yelling about. R, clearly, is our dear friend Ramona.

Oh, Ramona. Grown in a Petri dish after some of her cells were found on a piece of the Sputnik satellite that managed to make it through the atmosphere intact, no one is quite sure where the original Ramona might be from. What’s important is that she’s here now and she is using her innate space wizard powers to guide us all. Ramona has become something of a confidant, or at least a dazed and vibrating sounding board, to the other Housewives. She credits it to her new hairdo. Since it’s been shorter, she’s been “thinking” more. And this jibes with what we know about Ramona’s space race, a culture controlled by the whims of their glowing spaghetti hair. (In this they are not unlike the Na’vi from James Cameron’s recent documentary Avatar, though they do not use their hair for sex. As much.) Ramona could close her eyes tight and her hair would grow longer, but with that part of her brain would leave her head. She’s better off when more of it is coiled in pulsing strands inside her human skull. That way she can discern a situation, she can get the lay of the land. She can effect change.

What’s happening is that Bethenny is stirring up trouble. Bethenny is getting ready to leave the show. She is packing up her bags, settling old accounts, and sometimes it is not easy. You’ll remember from every single scene of this season so far that Bethenny left a mean-ish voicemal for Jill Zarin — truly emerging this season as the bitchy ringleader — and that has caused a rift. Wanting to assert herself in the situation, LuAnn has sided with Jill and is barking at Bethenny always, like Crabbe or Goyle, only she’s not just some dumb lackey. No, she’s in it for her own plotting, mysterious reasons. Kelly doesn’t understand much of anything, so she just shows up where she’s told to show up and that’s that. When Bethenny goes to fashion shows, all the claws come out and everyone starts cawing at each other like common crows and, somewhere far off, Ramona’s ears perk up. Ramona does not want to involve herself, and yet she is drawn to the sound of their rutting like a magnet. She smells blood in the water, and would like to swim over there and point at it and say “Oooo blood!”

First it was Bethenny and LuAnn that went at it. They both showed up to the Calico Corners collection for Caldor, a high-profile show held in some guy’s basement. LuAnn came with Kelly and they walked up to the designer, a much older and sadder looking Sue Ellen Crandell, and they exchanged pleasantries. Sue Ellen was there with her son, a curly-locked towheaded boy wearing a smart blazer and chinos. Suddenly the poor child felt a heavy, cold clamp on his heart and his tear ducts began to freeze. He looked up and there, folding up her knobby knees and erratic elbows into a crouch, was Kelly. She looked at him, rotating her head 90 degrees. “Helloo there…” she croaked. “And how old are you? Eleven?” The boy squeezed his mother’s hand and felt more terrified than he ever had before. But he was a brave lad, so he screwed up his courage and said “No, I’m 13.” There was a quick whoosh and a creaking of bones and Kelly was upright again. “Oh 13! Big man!” At the sound of the word “13″ LuAnn had suddenly snapped her eyes to the boy, who looked terribly young for his age. She pretended to drop something and crouched down and huskily whispered in his ear, “Call me in a few years, eh cherry pie?”

So that was terrifying and creepy, but it got the thick, viscous oil in these women’s veins flowing, so they were ready for a fight. Luckily Bethenny showed up and they had their target. Not that Bethenny was helpless in this situation, no no no. But the minute Kelly and LuAnn spotted her, glad-handing with photogs, they knew shit was on in a way that Bethenny maybe didn’t. The ladies exchanged kissy-kissy pleasantries and then LuAnn began the assault. “You’ve sure been going to a lot of fashion shows. I didn’t think you went to fashion shows.” Apparently this was some sort of passive-aggressive dig, and Bethenny flew off the handle. She raged at LuAnn and called her a snake and a liar and a weirdo. LuAnn raised an eyebrow and blew thick cords of smoke out in Bethenny’s face. Kelly, meanwhile, had affixed her proboscis to Lisa Rinna’s face and the two were locked into some sort of grim, fame-sucking pas de deux.

Ramona hovered above them and observed, curious. Then she looked at her watch. Aha! It was time for another fashion show. So she flitted back down to Earth and with her came a tuft of moon dandelions that reminded Ramona of birds, so she’d named it Aviary. Only someone had gotten the spelling wrong at the hospital (it might have been Ramona herself) and so it was now called Avery and looked like a human girl. Avery is becoming a little lady now, all pumps and purses, so Ramona decided it was time to bring her to her first big fashion show. There they were, standing around and humming their songs to themselves (it is how they breathe), when Avery suddenly felt shards of ice piercing her insides. A cold, tinny sound began ringing in her ears. She looked up and there, long knotty limbs inching one by one like a spider out of a taxicab, was Kelly. Kelly immediately saw the girl and bent down hideously to say hi to her. “Well hello. Is this your first fashion show?” Ramona said “First big fashion show!” even though she had no idea who she was talking to and, quite frankly, hadn’t even heard the question. Ramona was just saying words, as she likes to do.

After all the models had sauntered down the runway and everyone had clapped politely but dumbly, Kelly and Ramona got to talking while Avery stood and stared curiously, not yet longingly, at the tall concave-chested male models that were standing in a matchstick huddle, smoking cigarettes and speaking in a mysterious young adult language that Avery wasn’t sure she wanted to learn yet. And then suddenly she felt a yank on her shoulder and there was her mother, with her crazy eyes again, and she said “Aviary honey mama is going to party-party with big Uncle Kelly here, so you go bye bye.” She explained that Kelly had invited her to a very fancy Perez Hilton party and that she was going. And then she put Avery into a cab and said “So long! Farewell! It was nice to meet youuuuu!” Kelly was appalled at this, as she should have been. “Hey Aves! How’d your big fashion show date with your mom go? Did you girls have fun??”

“Uh, yeah. It was OK. But then my mom saw a friend and wanted to go to a party so she sent me home by myself. I’m gonna go sit in my room for a few years.”

As Avery sat in the cab and thought about all that she’d seen and felt that day — the grownup world can be an awfully sharp and unpleasant place, can’t it? — Ramona giggled bitchily and hopped in the cab with Kelly. Off they zoomed to the fancy Alize fete. There waiting for them was Jill. Aha! An opportunity for Ramona to put on her press hat and get the scoop. Kelly related the story of the fashion show in which Bethenny had exploded at LuAnn and Jill nodded to indicate that she was listening until she couldn’t bear it anymore and had to interject. “Well the way Iiiiiiii heard it… ” Even though she hadn’t even been there. Kelly looked pissed to be interrupted and, as the terrible tale of raging Bethenny unfolded, Ramona’s eyes bulged with wonder. But she kept mum, she didn’t take sides. She just said “Well that’s interesting.” She informed us that she was very eager to hear Bethenny’s side of the story, and later she would. In the meantime, it was time to go into the party, to drink Alize all night long and eat hors d’œuvres while looking at Perez Hilton’s beautiful, glowing rump roast of a face. And so they did.

While Bethenny was being talked about, Bethenny was talking about others. She and her boyfriend Pebbles were curled up on the couch and he was massaging her feet and she was complaining about Jill and and LuAnn and all that. She sighed. “Alls I really need are the three B’s: Boyfriend, Books, and Booze.” And then Pebbles blinked his eyes and an overall strap came undone and faraway there was the sound of a cow mooing and he said “And you don’t need Bitches.” Because that begins with a B. Bethenny smiled and patted his knee and said “That’s good honey. That’s real good. I’m proud of you.” Pebbles blushed and looked down and said “Aw shucks,” and he plinked one lonely note on his banjo. It echoed strangely in the apartment and Bethenny felt a sudden stabbing in her heart, but it quickly passed. It passed.

Then she was off to a morning SkinnyGirl cocktail reception for some fashion fool. There were some more bigtime celebrities there, people like Markie Post and Mary-Margaret Humes, so that was nice. Alex puttered up in her Beverly Hillbillies car, crates of chickens squawking in the back. It backfired loudly and Alex lurched out. She and Bethenny made no small talk. Bethenny immediately began telling her all about how LuAnn was so mean and Jill’s such a bitch and blah blah, it was the same discussion we’ve been having for a month now. Alex looked bored but she stayed in the conversation long enough to get to her part. And this is how these women talk, they wait but don’t really listen, they are all one way streets, you can’t get there from here. When Bethenny made the mistake of pausing to take a delicious sip of SkinnyGirl, Alex jumped in. “Well Jill has been going around telling people that my kids are climbing people’s legs! I just can’t believe that. Francois is just affectionate and likes legs a lot. You just have to swat him off before he burrows into your crotch and lays eggs. If that happens… Well, it’s going to be an unpleasant couple of weeks for you.” Bethenny nodded, having no idea what Alex was talking about, just waiting for a cue to jump back into her story, but the moment never came. Because Kelly arrived. She crawled up out of the bathroom sink drain and long-legged her way over to the goils and Bethenny was nervous. She and Kelly hate each other so! But, as it turns out, she was wrong to worry.

There was some awkwardness when Bethenny tried to get Kelly to try a SkinnyGirl — “It’s so early in the morning,” Kelly whined — but eventually she took one small symbolic sip and issued a curt “Mm” and Bethenny was satisfied. And from there they just talked, said that things were not worth fighting about, that who really cared. (So what? Who cayahs?) Alex stood there like a wooden Indian and it seemed that maybe Bethenny and Kelly were all right. Maybe the war had passed and the killing fields had grown over with wildflowers and spring had come. Kelly said, admirably, that she had no reason to be mean to Bethenny. Good for you, Kelly. Honestly.

Sadly, peace would not reign in the Housewife kingdom for long.

Bethenny and Ramona got drinks to discuss the whole borrrrring Jill situation and we had to sit through the one hundred and thirty-seventh (Jessica Wakefield would be proud of that number) conversation about it and Ramona just filed all this information, wrote it down on little pieces of paper, sprinkled them with sugar, and swallowed them up. It’s a fairly primitive filing system, but it works. It works for her. Ramona said something about someone being on her “like white rice” and it was pretty much marvelous. O Ramona! Sing to me of the heavens and the earth! And of rice.

Then the cameras shifted and we were standing in Jill’s aquarium apartment in the sky. Jill was having a fancy-pants event that night at Saks and she needed to get ready. She invited LuAnn over to watch her get dressed and, because LuAnn had been sitting at home drinking a Jack and pineapple juice and cheating at solitaire, she agreed. “I’m a Barbie Girl…” went the doorbell and with a lispy shuffle Jill’s boyservant answered the door. “Miss Zarin is getting ready, but would you like to sit in the parlor and stare at all the lovely furniture?” LuAnn grunted. “Beat’s starin’ at yer dumpling face.” The boyservant grimaced and said “Would you like something to drink?” LuAnn reached into her purse and pulled out an Arizona ice tea can filled with her Jack and pineapple. “Brought my own, thanks. Get me an ashtray though, will ya?” The boyservant skittered off to the kitchen and LuAnn plopped down on the couch. Suddenly she saw one of the pillows, moving. After she knocked herself on the head to clear up her vision she saw that the pillow was, in fact, Jill’s mom. “Oh hey there Mrs. Z, didn’t see ya there.” Jill’s mom said not to worry and asked how LuAnn was doing. “Well,” LuAnn sighed, pulling a pack of GPCs from her waistband. “Hubby ‘n I are officially doneski. Papers came in today.” Jill’s mom shook her head in sympathy and said nice things and, really, that woman is just fabulous, isn’t she? I think it would be quite something to know her in private life.

Finally the stone masons and plastics experts and rigging crew left and Jill was ready to go. Off to her fancy, not-at-all-sponsored Saks party. Oh it was quite an affair! Basically, the idea is that you invite a bunch of ladies, they drink champagne and feel really famous and fabulous and then they buy stuff! So it really works out well for Saks and Jill. Ramona was surprised that Saks did it at all, because from what she heard, Jill is banned from Saks for buying lots of clothes and then returning them after wearing them. Which sounds exactly like something that Jill would do, doesn’t it? But, this a cash-money making opportunity here for Saks and this is a damn recession. So bring in the Zarin.

As the party began, women were clawing at boots and licking cashmere sweaters and stuffing designer handbags down the front of their sagging dresses. It was an out-and-out free for all, as Jill’s wild-eyed friends all tried desperately to look chic and in-the-know. Jill was wearing a metallic spacesuit with enormous shoulder pads that she kept crowing on about. Ramona, sage arbiter of fashion, deemed it unworthy of the event. And Ramona understand what’s appropriate. For example, when one is at a filmed Saks party for classy rich ladies, one ought have a pinot grigio IV hooked up to one’s veins. It’s just the way high society does it. So that’s what she did and the real adventure began.

First Alex and Simon arrived, Alex pulling Simon in a threadbare rickshaw, little Francois and Johan fanning him with palm leaves. “I love a fashion party,” he drawled to the cameras. Alex just blew her gypsy jug and did wee hoedowns around the store until she reached Jill. She needed to talk to Jill about this whole Francois climbing up people’s legs thing. Jill handled it fairly well, I suppose. She just calmly said “Well that’s what I heaaaard” and then, alls of a sudden, Alex just burst into tears. It was very mysterious. I suppose she hadn’t expected Jill to be nice? Do you think that Alex was hoping for a fight so she could get some more screen time, but then as she realized that Jill wasn’t going to engage, she knew for sure that her place on this show truly did not exist anymore? I mean she has been so absent this season, hasn’t she. Poor Alex. Jill just looked at her strangely and wanted desperately to run away, but Alex’s limbs are long and many, and Jill worried she’d be caught and pulled back in toward that terrifying, ever-chomping squid beak. So she stayed put, until her rescuer came, in the form of a boot-scootin’, rootin’-tootin’ LuAnn. “It was all LuAnn’s fault!” Jill clucked loudly. Alex turned her weepy gaze to LuAnn, who said “Oh fiddlefucks, here we go” and lit up a cigarette, expecting some long Thing.

But it wasn’t long-lived, because Ramona had been warily circling them in some kind of crab-walk, waiting for any sort of keyword that she could jump on to enter the conversation. And then she heard it! “Mario.” Aha! Her husband’s name. She was upon them in a startling instant, her eyes now entirely black, smiling a strange, faraway smile. “Are we talking about the Mario thing again?” she asked, squeezing the IV bag, sending a floodwater gush of Cavit into her system. Well, no, they weren’t actually, but now it was too late. Ramona had showed up and the world was precarious again. “You know what’s funny, Alex” Ramona chirped. “I wanted to have a party but LuAnn didn’t want to invite you and isn’t that awkward?” LuAnn turned bright red and said “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” But Ramona, completely devoid of social cues at this point, just wouldn’t let it go. She was a terrier or a Jonas Brother. She just would not give it up.

To her credit, Alex took the whole thing with a grain of salt, but LuAnn was upset. Luckily the dinner bell rang and it was time to eat while strange models paraded around the table, trying desperately to not look at all the forbidden food laid out on the table beside them. Kelly showed up and LuAnn regarded her big fur vest and said “Oh that’s funky.” Ha. Funky. That’s just what moms call certain articles of clothing. Funky. Anyway, Jill was loving being the center of everything and she gazed out at her beautiful guests — bloat-faced leathery hydras, the real toast of New York — and felt that she’d won. This was perfect. Unfortunately, Ramona saw differently. She didn’t really sit down during the meal. Rather she skittered around the edges of the table, popping her head into conversations, saying strange and wicked things and then disappearing. There you’d be, discussing the weathah or ya health, and Ramona’s head would suddenly appear. “Did you know she hates you?” she would say to your companion. “She does. I heard it somewhere.” And then she’d be gone. She was Eris, goddess of discord. She is Pandora’s box and the lid of her head has been open for quite some time.

Eventually she made her way over to LuAnn and Kelly. She heard about LuAnn’s divorce and she hugged her. Though they’d just been fighting not thirty minutes before, now Ramona was made of hugs. She squeezed LuAnn very very tight, to the point that LuAnn had trouble breathing, and she said over and over again “It’s so, so sad. It’s just so, so sad.” And it was, LuAnn knew, it was sad. But she didn’t like hearing it. Not now, not here, not from this crazed glowworm creature. “Thanks, hun,” she said, patting Ramona’s hand, hoping that would shoo her away. And it did! Ramona then curled her neck around like a Velociraptor and looked at Kelly. “Hi… Hi, Ramona,” Kelly stammered nervously. Ramona’s mouth did a weird little dance and there was a strange pulse in the air, a tuning fork hum, and finally she said “Kelly, is it true that you’re getting another boob job? That’s what I read somewhere. That you’re getting another boob job.” Everyone was scandalized! Oh terribly scandalized. Ramona asked the woman who’d just posed for Playboy about her breasts. I mean, yes, look. In any other situation that’d be a pretty rude question to ask, but not when it’s Kelly frickin’ Bensimon. You can ask that clam anything. “Hey Kelly, when you cut yourself, do you bleed bile or battery acid?” “Hey Kelly, is it uncomfortable sleeping in the microwave?” And so on. But these women are obsessed with being some vague and incorrect idea of Proper, so they were very upset.

Ramona gurgled some excuses while LuAnn and Kelly tossed their hair haughtily and Alex went in search of Simon. Last she’d seen him, he was admiring her red wrap print dress from Jean Paul Gaultier. She walked around the big empty store, clapping two wooden blocks together in short bursts, which usually attracts him. Clap-clap. Nothing. Clap-clap. Nothing still. Finally, she came upon a darkened section of the store. She looked up at the wall and saw the name of the department. Her heart plunged. “Menswear,” it said, in cruel black letters. Then she heard a thump or a rustle or, gulp, a moan and she knew. She knew. “Simon!” she called. “Simon honey, if you had another accident where you were changing and then tripped on your pants and fell on top of a male store clerk again, that’s fine, no need to be embarrassed. I’m… I’m just going to wait out here. While you get up. From falling. From your accident.” She waited for what felt like an eternity until she finally smelled his scent — something like cucumber perfume and strange French soup and the gummy tar smell of smoking pipes. He was fastening his belt and striding out alongside a young sales person, a sallow-cheeked kid with strange sloped features but a kind of stern Slavic beauty about him. Simon gave her a strained, ugly grin. “Damnedest thing. Just fell right down again.” Alex’s face felt unmoored, like it was sliding around on her skull. “Yeah,” she said. It was all she could say. Yeah.

And just as suddenly as it had begun, the party was over. Nothing with Ramona’s drunkery was really resolved, but I’m sure we’ll hear plenty about it next week. Until then she will continue to control us all with her whims, with her glowing tendrils of peculiar hair.

She’ll make Jill seem silly and mean in photoshoots with her nice mom and sister. Them in demure suits and Jill in a stupid va-va-voom magenta gown. It won’t last more than a second, but Ramona will quickly tug a strand and for a moment Jill will wish she was back, back on Long Island, back when she didn’t brag about Saks gold keys and fancy luggage. Back when things really mattered. And then it will pass.

And Bethenny, under Ramona’s cobweb spell, will wonder if any of this is worth it. All this bickering and feeling bad and saying things you don’t want to say because there are cameras there and you feel some implicit obligation to entertain. She’ll wonder if all she needs is Pebbles and his whistle-toothed breathing. Maybe that’s it, just him. The way he chews bits of straw or stares out at marbled skies and, with a stubby confident finger, points out the storm clouds. “That one’s the real one, that’s the rain cloud over thar. Them others is just along for the ride. Just floatin’ along, full’a nothin’.”

Alex will sit in the Towncar on the way home to Brooklyn and Ramona will hum three little bars of her song and suddenly at a light Alex will say “Honey, I’ll see you at home, I’m… I’m gonna go for a walk.” And she’ll jump out of the car and tromp down the street into the night. She’ll watch couples passing by, intertwined with each other, pulled close by chemistry and yearning. She’ll walk over the Brooklyn Bridge and stand halfway, between that world and hers. She will stand there for a long, long time, not sure where to go. Until finally she takes a deep dusty breath and heads on down the hill to Brooklyn, to her crooked, imperfect home. To where accidents and falls can still happen, where everything can be explained by simple slips. It is easier that way.

Kelly will be standing in the mirror, examining her boobs, when Ramona will float by the window and blow her a magical kiss. It will hit Kelly in the back of the head and suddenly she will get a strange amber glint in her eyes and she will say, out loud, for whoever to hear, “Bigger…” And they will get bigger.

And then there’s LuAnn, lonely LuAnn. Doesn’t even need to be called a Countess anymore. What does she care. She’s done, defeated, traded-in. Ramona will sneak up invisible and giggle in LuAnn’s ear and she will feel strange and for some reason the word “funky” will pass through her head. Funky. Heh. Hah. She used to have some funky outfits. There was that Indian dress thing, that suede thing, she wore that one night to the Lieutenants Mixer at Ft. Bragg and the next day she’d woken up in Okinawa, having no idea where she was, curled up next to a navy ensign named Karl. She wondered how Karl was doing. Probably real old by now, she figured. ‘Bout as old as she is.

She’d had that funky pair of big flowy parachute pants back when those were in. Yeah, she’d worn ‘em to disco out in Sparks the night Carla Dixon broke that bottle over that kid’s head. Turned out he was the mayor’s son and she went to jail, Carla did, for a long long time. She’d always been a stupid girl. Those’d always been stupid pants.

There was another time, the last time she’d seen her mom. It was the day she and the Count were getting married. All that fancy stuff laid out real nice and all the guests in their black ties and expensive dresses. And there her mom and been in her pilly wool suit, the one she’d bought for LuAnn’s high school graduation (which, of course, never happened) with the cigarette burn on the sleeve. LuAnn had been fluffing her dress in the mirror when her mom sneaked in. “Knock knock,” she said in that familiar gravel. LuAnn remembered being annoyed just then, there was this embarrassing old lady, an artifact from the imperfect past, and she was gonna ruin this somehow, Lu just knew it. “What’s up ma?” LuAnn asked. “Well, I got ya something. And I don’t know if you’ve got you’re Somethin’ Blue yet, but… I just wanted to give you a little something on yer wedding day. Yer real wedding day. This’s the one’s gonna last, you know? This is the real one.” LuAnn nodded. She agreed. She hoped. “Well, what is it?” Her mother dug in her suit pocket and she pulled out this bright blue bracelet, gaudy and plastic and big. “I thought it could look nice, somethin’ fun. Saw it at the Caldor and thought’a you. I don’t know. It’s kinda funky, right?” LuAnn said yeah it was, thanked her mom and then told her that she had to finish getting dressed.

She didn’t wear the bracelet at the wedding, of course. Couldn’t do it. Couldn’t wear something like that — cheap and sad — in front of all those fancy Europeans. No, she just went out there as planned and her mom never did say anything about it. And then she died that winter, and LuAnn looked, panicked and drunk one night, but she couldn’t find the bracelet. And there wasn’t anymore to be said about that. But LuAnn will wonder that night, when Ramona comes to her and whispers in her ear. She’ll wonder if maybe that bracelet wouldn’t have made the difference. Maybe it was a blessing, and she should have been better about recognizing those. Little blessings. Should have been grateful for them. All that. But instead there’s divorce. That big, mean word.

But oh well, LuAnn will figure. She’ll have a fashion show the next day and there’ll be stuff to do to get ready. So she will. The divorcee. The brand new lonely lighthouse.

And somewhere Ramona will sigh and dim the lights and that will be that.

Ke$ha Transforms Into A Bondi Beach Babe (PHOTOS)Celebuzz

Stripping away her questionable make-up and capes, pop singer Ke$ha showed off her beach body while playing in the waves at Bondi Beach, Australia.
Ke$ha splashed around while sporting a revealing swimsuit and later covered up her goods with vintage Pixies tank top. Maybe she was feeling a little self-concious with the cameras snapping photos of her frolicking around? You’d think a girl who brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack would be a little bit more daring.
Click here to see more photos.

How to Remake ’80s Movies the Right Way [Nostalgia]

Last week, J. Lo was inexplicably cast in the Goldie Hawn role of a Overboard remake. Please, don’t mess with the classics like that! If you’re going to go remaking ’80s movies, here’s how to do it right.

Hollywood’s love of nostalgia is not new, but it seems like the wave of repurposing old ideas has finally caught up with us and subsumed the ’80s. The Clash of the Titans remake comes out in two weeks. The Tron sequel is getting ready to drop this summer, and the Wall Street sequel will be out this fall. No, studios shouldn’t be messing with great things from the past. Yes, the success of these movies will determine which old scripts get dusted off and given an update. But we’re beating Hollywood to the punch. This is going to happen if we like it or not, so we’re going to speak now because we’re lousy at forever holding our peace. Here are some of our favorite movies from the decade and what needs to be done to update them right.

Clue
Original Release Date: 1985
The Pitch: The screwball comedy as a Christopher Guest improv experiment (which we stole from Popwatch).
Casting: Catherine O’Hara as Mrs. Peacock, Parker Posey as Mrs. White, Jennifer Coolidge as Miss Scarlet, Eugene Levy as Col. Mustard, Ed Begley Jr as Mr. Green, and Bob Balaban as Professor Plum, and Michael McKean as Mr. Body.
Modern Twist: Update it to be modern day and have everyone freak out about the crime rather than being all nonchalant about it.
Original Cast Cameo: Tim Curry as one of the murder victims.

Uncle Buck
Original Release Date: 1989
The Pitch: A doofy frat boy uncle comes in to care for the kids and makes a lovable mess.
Casting: Seth Rogan as Uncle Buck.
Modern Twist: The first time around John Candy was more of an incapable lug, let’s make Buck more a stoner fuck up who learns how to get his life together thanks to the little scamps.
Original Cast Cameo: Macaulay Culkin as the older skeezy boyfriend trying to deflower the teenage niece.

Weird Science
Original Release Date: 1985
The Pitch: Two billionaire 20-year old computer company CEOs use their mastery of technology to make a magic lady and learn about life in the process.
Casting: Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Emile Hirsch as the nerds. Malin Akerman as the babe.
Modern Twist: Instead of creating all their women from some Commodore 64, the use a complicated algorithm that combines the attributes of the hundred hottest girls on Facebook. Just think about all the advances in computer science in the past 25 years that could be applied to comedic scenarios. Don’t mess with the bras on heads or the pile of talking poo, though.
Original Cast Cameo: Bill Paxton as a mean venture capitalist who wants to take over the kids’ firm.

Ghostbusters
Original Release Date: 1984
The Pitch: A bunch of scientists trade in the lab to make a reality show about hunting supernatural creatures. They become wildly famous.
Casting: Call Paul Rudd, Judah Friedlander, Seann William Scott and Marlon Wayans. Get Anna Faris as the wacky secretary.
Modern Twist: Their easy fame on television becomes as more of a detriment to their line of work.
Original Cast Cameo: Sigourney Weaver as a network executive.

Big Business
Original Release Date: 1988
The Pitch: Two pairs of twins, separated at birth and from very different circumstances, meet when their posh and hillbilly worlds collide.
Casting: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sadie and Rose
Modern Twist: One set of sisters is from the family that owns Hal-Mart and the other is from the hillbilly town that doesn’t want the corporation moving in.
Original Cast Cameo: Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler as their aunts.

The Dark Crystal
Original Release Date: 1982
The Pitch: A far off fantasy land where a pair of Gelflings must repair the titular crystal and end the reign of the evil and disgusting Skeksis. Wouldn’t Guillermo del Torro do a great job directing a script by Neil Gaiman?
Casting: Meryl Streep does all the voices! Just kidding. She only does half.
Modern Twist: In 3D, biatches!
Original Cast Cameo: Just recycle some of the puppets.

The Goonies
Original Release Date: 1985
The Pitch: A group of kids are going to lose their homes due to mean developers so they go off in search for a treasure with a group of evil mobsters hot on their tails.
Casting: We didn’t know who these kids were when they made it, but they sure had talent. Do that again, casting directors! But if we see one Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, or Demi Lovato, there is going to be hell to pay.
Modern Twist: Just toss in some great special effects and make those cheesey underground sets look real and awesome. The rest of the movie will make itself.
Original Cast Cameo: Josh Brolin as an evil developer and Corey Feldman as his assistant. Cyndi Lauper as the evil mobster mother.

Working Girl
Original Release Date: 1988
The Pitch: A ditsy secretary stands in for her boss and takes the corporate world by storm.
Casting: Amy Adams as Tess, Sandra Bullock as Katherine, and John Hamm as big boss Jack.
Modern Twist: Tess not only discovers some major Enron-esque corporate malfeasance, she also brings a struggling company to profitability.
Original Cast Cameo: Alec Baldwin as a horny executive.

Heathers
Original Release Date: 1988
The Pitch: Don’t you fucking dare. Some things are perfect the way God created them.

Gossip Girl: Savin’ It [Recaps]

Last night’s episode was the most underpantsless, hair-chestiest episode of the spring. And yet, oddly, it was also the chastest.

If there’s one lesson we learned from last night’s Gossip Girl it’s that one should never be alone in a hotel room with the kid from Air Bud. Because that 5’6″ Canadian will try to sex you up and it will be very uncomfortable. Not just because his hair is the same color as his face. Because he is a jerk and you are not ready for sex, not now, not just yet. Poor Jenny had a long journey to travel to learn this lesson.

Yes she was still running around with the Frammer, a nefarious Diplobrat and drug runner who has no greater pleasure in life than slithering his way into the pants of sixteen-year-old blonde tadpoles. He’s pressuring Jenny to do it, and in a story that inspired William Shakespeare’s new play Romeo & Juliet, Jennifrica’s parents just don’t understand. Rufus especially does not want his precious zygote running around with this stubby son of a tranny. “No!!!” he bellows from his throne in the kingdom of Breukelen. “No!!!” he bellows again. But this only makes Jenny want to see Prince Ontario more, so she steals away from school and into his leathery, muscle-sack arms. Everyone’s worried.

Not knowing what else to do, adult Rufus called a bunch of teenagers and sought their help. “Naaaate,” he whined. “Doooo something.” Nate was groggy and hair-chesty in bed with living fart Serena. He lowered his voice on the phone so as not to wake her. “Listen, baby,” he said to the now whimpering Rufus. “It’s gonna be OK. OK? OK? Who’s my big rock star? Who’s my big shining rock star, huh?” Rufus sniffled on the other end of the line and finally Nate could hear a small smile in his voice. “I am…” Nate nodded. “That’s right, you are. It’s all going to be OK.” He made a kissy noise and hung up the phone. By this point Serena had awoken and was filling the room with her day-farts and Nate told her the sad story of Jenny and Serena said “We must do something!” and she hatched a plan.

See she figured that Rufus wasn’t properly employing Reverse Psychology, to which teens are very susceptible. So Serena decided to spring a trap. She’d encourage Jenny and then seduce the Frammer and then she’d tell Jenny that he was wicked and all would be good. But her genius plan totally backfired because Canada didn’t want nothin’ to do with Serena. Ha! Then Nate totally sold her out by telling Jenny what was afoot and it just empowered Jenny more. Your attempts to kill her only make her stronger! Now she was even more determined to play Air Bud 7: The Javelin Toss with our dark Canadian lord. Teens! What can you do with them?

Meanwhile Dan and his cavewoman bride Vanessa were fighting. They were waking in bed at the same time as Nate/Serena, Dan’s chest hair wiry and bushy there in the dorm room bed, Vanessa curling up beside him and saying sweet cavewoman words like “Ooga” and “Gok” and “Booga.” Rufus called Dan in tears and Dan said “Daddy, did you talk to Nate?” And Rufus sniffled “Yes…” and Dan sighed. He’d have to talk old papa off the ledge yet again. “Put on a pot of coffee, hon” he said to Vanessa, who promptly picked up a club and bashed him on the head. Oh well.

Mostly though Dan and Vanessa spent the episode fighting. See he was being noivous about openly expressing his love for Vanessa lest the relationship suddenly sour under the weight of all that seriousness. She was being nondescript and completely devoid of any discernible character as usual, so you understand why they were at an impasse. Nimble comedian Penn Badgley did a brilliant job of conveying Dan’s relationship anxiety, giving a hilarious tour de force monologue about where it is OK for he and V to be “friends with benefits” and when they are just friends! Oh man, I was laughing so hard. I turned to my friend Lois, my awesome bff who’s been working for her dad while the burns heal, and I was like “That is funny.” Lois looked at me and stuffed a handful of popcorn in her mouth. “It really ith!” she said. And then we laughed and saw a commercial for 90210 and squealed. That show is soooo good too. So trashy, but so much fun! This weekend Lois and I are going to see Gaga because, um, helloooo!!! I hope we can sneak our Pinkberry in, because God knows we need our Pinkberry lol!!!

So that was happening and nobody cared and eventually at the episode’s party Vanessa showed up in a slinky calfskin dress and fur and Dan was all “Ooga gok booga!” and then she whispered to him that she wasn’t wearing any underpants, because that is still a hilarious and sexy joke that TV shows and movies are doing. Of course finally Dan said that he doesn’t care who knows it, he loves that fascinating cavewoman with all the personality traits. (Though in one little scene Szohr walked into the Brooklyn Palace and said “helleewww” in this weird, funny way and it was sad because you realized that maybe she is a real person in real life, and is only acting like the wooden lady stuck to the front of an old boat, because that is how she is written, and she is not a good actress.)

I mentioned there was a party, yes? Well Jenny was there, obviously, because Nate had told Rufus about the wicked Canadian’s plans and Rufus and shrieked and soiled his petticoats and then thrown Jenny up in the keep, only to let her out at a big fancy party where he couldn’t keep an eye on her. Responsible! Of course Air Bud came and whisked Jenny away, but not before he could punch Nate in the face and send him clattering into a poor caterboy. It was wonderful to see Chace Crawford floppily fall to the floor. And then there he was, lying atop the caterboy and Nate was all “sorry, sorry” and then the two locked eyes and there was an intense warmth between them and Nate whispered his name and stuck out his hand and the caterboy did the same and said “Brandon” and they lay there for a while, splayed on the floor, covered in canapes, shaking each other’s hands. Serena didn’t mind. She loved him so.

Then there was a mad dash set to the Benny Hill music where everyone tore through the night looking for Jenny, but the Canuck had done a devious little hotel switch, so he had the little tadpole all to himself. She finally confessed to him that she was a virgin and he was like “Hey that’s towtally cool, eh. Don’t feel louwsy abowt that at all. No reason to be sorey.” But it was a big deal! It was to Jenny! But there Canada was, working its St. Lawrence Seaway toward the shores of her Lake Erie and suddenly the tadpole became a toad — a pebble toad! — and she bounced away from him, protected forever, off toward Brooklyn. So Canada is no more, I suspect. That’s that. Back at home Jenny was all sad and grumpy and went into her room to listen to “Time of My Life,” because she had recently gotten into Dirty Dancing after Serena had recommended it. Jenny had never seen or heard of it. This was supposed to be funny! Because, you know, Dirty Dancing, what the Twitter text is that? “You should totally download it,” Serena said, because that’s charming, how we talk now. In computers. You know, sometimes I think Lois should get a job as a Gossip Girl writer. Sometimes I think she’d fit in perfectly.

Anyway, Jenny didn’t do it with the Frammer and she’s all sad now but Rufus is just clutching his white handkerchief in relief, so glad to have her home. Nate gave him a warm goodbye kiss and left with Serena. Dan’s chest hair exploded his shirt and Vanessa groaned into the prehistoric night sky and that was that.

Also, Rufus and Lily made up after their no-one-cares fight, although Lily still has a secret something about getting tests. Is Lily the sick one, not her mother? I think she might be. Another old lady keeping secrets is Chuck’s “Mom.” It seems she’s not his “Mom” because she orchestrated some nefarious thing with Jack Bass the Jackass where Chuck would be accused of vague sexual harassment and then of course he’d sign his hotel business over to Ma Bass who would then let Jack Bass the Jackass take care of it. It was not as much fun to have Jack Bass back as the writers seemed to think it was, though at least he said the line about how many sex puns you can come up with using the phrase Chuck Bass, which I guess was sort of cute and meta in a way the show hasn’t really earned for about a year and a half. Whee! So Chuck’s mom is wicked, which isn’t surprising. I’m kind of glad. Though I hate mopey Chuck, seeing him smile is really uncomfortable too. Maybe I just don’t like Chuck. Sorry Lois! I kno he’s ur hubby!! haha lol.

Towards the end of the episode we saw a scene with Brandon the caterboy headed home after the long party. He turned a key in a lock and opened a door and there sitting in a comfortable apartment was our long lost Erik. He looked up from his dog-eared copy of Country Home magazine and said “How was it, baby?” And Brandon smiled weakly. How could he tell him? Tell him about that sprawl on the floor with the boy named Nate? He couldn’t. So he didn’t. Instead he just smiled a little bigger and said “Good, it was good.” Erik said “C’mere” and patted the bed and so Brandon walked over and sat down next to him and they were there in silence for a while, the sound of flipping pages, a low whining hum of city from beyond the closed window. After a while Erik said “Oohh, this is nice. We could live there.” And Erik looked up at him, pointed to the picture of a home somewhere, out in the country. “Don’t you think we could do that? Live like that?” Any other day Brandon would have said yes, of course. But that night he just wasn’t sure they ever could again.

OK. That’s that. Brian, let’s hear how our beloved characters stand, power-wise, after this most devious of episodes.

Thanks, Richard. Everyone went up and down last night, but in the case of Serena, she’s always used to going down. Here are the stats:

Dorota:
Power Play: Oh, Dorota. No one thought to sign Chuck’s hotel over to you? So sad: -2
Total: -2
Season to Date: 49
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Fashion Points: Killer blouse with a wonderfully fit blue skirt: +1
Personality Flaw: Knows how to put it all in perspective for Chuck: +1
Power Play: Chuck doesn’t want her taking over the hotel: -2
Quip: “Suburban moralists in mom jeans. I’d pity them if I didn’t think they’d spill orange soda on my Christian Louboutins”: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Evil Uncle Jack is back to fuck with her: -2, Even with all his woes, her man still want to bone her at the end of the night: +1
Total: 0
Season to Date: 34
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Family Secrets: Evil Uncle Jack is back (and looks stupid with facial hair): -2, The DNA confirms his mommy is really his mommy: +1, Evil Uncle Jack, mommy, and creepy lawyer are all out to get him: -3
Fashion Points: Looks weird when he smiles: -1, Purple!: -1, It’s a gift from mommy, so it’s not that bad: +1
Money: Has to give up control of his hotel because of sexual harassment scandal: -2
Personality Flaw: Only knows two grown-ups he can trust: skanky step mom Lily and Evil Uncle Jack: -1
Power Play: Getting sued for sexual harassment: -1, Of course everyone thinks that Chuck Bass would be Ron Burkle in a better suit: -1, Evil Uncle Jack is playing with his head about his mommy: -1, Lily loves him enough to not believe the scandal: +1
Sexual Intrigue: At least Blair will still do it with him: +2
Social Schemes: Is smart enough to get a DNA test from mommy: +2
Total: -6
Season to Date: 25
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Very sexy chest hair: +2, Did he steal a grampa sweater from Rufus?: -1, Brushes back the manbangs: -1, He is way too rich to be wearing some Banana Republic bullshit to a fancy art opening: -1
Personality Flaw: Thinks Jenny is a “special girl.” Does not utter “Olympics” next to “special”: -1
Power Play: Does the right thing and tells Jenny’s parents where she is: +2, Gets punched out by a drug-dealing shrimp from Air Bud: -1
Sexual Intrigue: All he and Serena do is fuck: -1, Actually, what is wrong with that: +3, Was heartbroken after he lost his virginity to Serena and she left the next day: -1, Calls Serena a slut and the stripper heel fits: +2
Total: 2
Season to Date: 1
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Fashion Points: Stole his dowdy daddy sweater from the corpse of Mr. Rogers: -2
Personality Flaw: Feeding people!: -1
Power Play: Even though he grounds his daughter, she still skips school: -2, He can’t find his daughter, but a bunch of bratty teenagers can: -1, Rushes to Lily’s defense against Evil Uncle Jack: +1, Grounds Jenny even further: +1, Thinks punishment is taking her to a fancy art opening: -2, Loses her for a second time: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Tells Lily he is better than her exes: +1, Didn’t have sex with the hot neighbor lady: -1, Actually, that’s kind of sweet that he loves his wife: +2, He and his meal ticket kiss and make up: +2
Total: -5
Season to Date: -5
Power Position: Up

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny:
Fashion Points: Wears her best all-black outfit from Hot Topic to a fancy art opening. Is her father the Spanish President or something?: -1
Personality Flaw: Sick of her father’s shitty waffles: +3, Doesn’t dare skip Latin: +1,
Power Play: Grounded: -1, Thinks cutting school is a good idea: -1, Everyone is texting about her whereabouts: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Does she not realize she is going to be statutory raped?: -2, Doesn’t give up virginity to the short, nasty man from Air Bud: +3, Lies about not being a virgin anymore to Serena because she wants everyone to think she’s a slut: -1
Social Schemes: Outsmarted by stupid Nate: -2, Tells Nate her boyfriend is a drug dealer. How dumb is she?: -1
WTF: Doesn’t even know what Dirty Dancing is!: -2, Somehow thinks that cutting class won’t affect her grades. Seriously, was she dropped on her head as a baby?: -2, Dated a drug dealer for weeks and never took any pills. Where’s the adventure, Jenny: -1
Total: -6
Season to Date: -12
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Her slutty “I’m going to make Dan want me” outfit looks like a reject from the Strawberry window display: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Actually listens to Dan’s bullshit about “zones” where they can be friends and where they can be lovers: -3, Going public with her relationship with Dan, which can only help her reputation: +1
Total: -4
Season to Date: -15
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Fashion Points: Great print dress as the fancy art opening: +2
Power Play: Shows concern over Jenny: +1, Knows well the ways of the blond high school skank and uses her powers for good: +2, Calls the police to help find Jenny for the second time and they actually help her. That is how rich Lily is: +2, Lets Serena be mean to her and doesn’t slap her in the face: -1, Still listens to her mommy: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Her man didn’t cheat on her: +1, She and Rufus are reunited and it feels so good: +2
WTF: Is closer to Chuck and Jenny than her own actual children: -3
Total: 5
Season to Date: -24
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Fashion Points: Why does his smattering of chest hair look like a half-rusty Brillo?: -2, Is in love with Vanessa’s ugly “I know you want to fuck me” outfit: -1
Power Play: Can’t get it on in his Brooklyn pussy den with dad and the little sis around: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Smart enough to keep his relationship with Vanessa a secret. She’s like the fat girl next door who you sleep with only when you’re drunk: +2, Is going to go public with his relationship: -3
WTF: Ew, he’s giving it to Vanessa: -2
Total: -7
Season to Date: -30
Power Position: Down

Serena:
Fashion Points: Her maroon dress to lure the drug dealer into trying to mack on her is the least slutty thing she has ever worn: -1, Her idea of something appropriate to wear to a fancy art opening is a dress that is completely nude on top and cut up to her hoo-ha: -2
Power Play: Gets pissed at Nate for doing the right thing and ratting out Jenny: -1, The queen slut comes to make Jenny feel better about losing her virginity: +2, Let’s Jenny be mean to her when she is trying to help: -1
Sexual Intrigue: The amount of time she can go while awake without fucking something is shortened from 5 minutes to about 26 seconds: -2, Serena, why can’t you just accept that you are a giant slut and everyone knows it and just move on with your life instead of getting bent out of shape every time someone intimates (correctly) that you have been around the block several thousand times. Jesus!: -3
Social Schemes: Thinks she is smart enough to pull of a Chuck and Blair scheme: -2, Jenny’s little drug dealer doesn’t fall for her fake seduction: -2
WTF: Tells Jenny to “download” Dirty Dancing like she has no idea what “downloading” is. She might as well have said, “Oh, you kids and your iPods”: -2, There is no way she is smart enough to understand half of the items on Daily Intel: -2
Total: -16
Season to Date: -48
Power Position: Down

Ozzy Osbourne Gets Out

Ozzy Osbourne at Boa steakhouse in Beverly Hills with his wife Sharon and son Jack (not pictured) on Friday (02/12/10)

INFphoto.com

EXCLUSIVE: Case Closed–Sean Penn’s Son Won’t Face Drug Charges

Sean Penn‘s 16-year-old son Hopper Jack will NOT face charges in connection with his arrest last week at his high school in the Malibu area.

EXCLUSIVE NEW DETAILS: Why Sean Penn’s Son Was Arrested — It Was Drugs

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Colin Hanks revs up for ‘Jack and Dan’

Colin Hanks is set to topline “Jack and Dan,” Matt Nix’s new 13-episode hourlong series for Fox.

The straight-to-series project, which also stars Bradley Whitford, is produced by Fox TV Studios under the company’s international co-production model.

It centers on Jack (Hanks), an ambitious, by-the-book detective whose habit of undermining himself has resulted in a dead-end position at the Los Angeles Police Department. Worse, he has been partnered with Dan (Whitford), a drunken, lecherous, wild-card cop who hangs onto his job only because of a heroic act years before.

Filming on the show, an action comedy in the tone of Nix’s USA Network series “Burn Notice,” is slated to begin early next year.

Hanks, who began as a regular on WB Network’s sci-fi drama “Roswell,” recently did an arc on AMC’s “Mad Men.” His feature credits include comedy “The House Bunny,” “Untraceable” and “The Great Buck Howard.”

I love Colin Hanks, but I’m so sick of detective shows! Hopefully this one will be different!

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