The Hills: They Tried to Make Her Go to Rehab

Getting sober is nothing to joke about, but it is the cause for some very, very serious reality television moments. Just ask Holly Montag, who refutes accusations that she is a drunk with slurry, drink-in-hand dances.

We have a feeling that if this secondary character from this Malibu-based show—where people talk about a party, go to a party, and then talk about what happened at a party—actually went to rehab it would sound something like this:

Hi, everyone. My name is Holly, and I’m an alcoholic. (Hi, Holly!)

I don’t really know where to start. I guess everything started to unravel when I was at this party on the beach at this girl Kristin’s house. I showed up, and the first thing I did was make a cocktail, even though there was this girl, Stacie, hanging out there and she is a professional bartender. Why can’t she make my Jack and Coke? Kristin is bitching because she is dating this guy, Justin Bobby. I don’t know, maybe you heard about him? He was supposed to come to the party but texts and says he can’t come and Kristin is pissed and bitching out it. So, of course I start drinking, because how else are you going to deal?

Then this guy Brody, who I always thought was really hot, but he said he won’t date me because I don’t have a drag queen name, he shows up with all his boys and they’re drinking 40s. Now this is a party. I talk to Brody for a bit and I’m all like “Why are you still with that tranny?” And he’s like, “I don’t know. She thinks I want to bone Kristin and I’m all, ‘She’s just a friend.’ Now Jayde won’t come.” The stress of this makes me want to drink even more, until Jayde shows up and Brody starts to pay attention to her. That’s when I think it’s a good idea to start dancing. I love dancing when I drink and I just flail about and everyone stares at me and I love the attention.

Brody still won’t look at me, he’s inside talking to Jayde, and he’s happy that she’s there for a minute, but that she was really drunk and Brody said she drank a whole bottle of Jaegger, but I know that’s a lie, because I drank most of it trying to get the “courage” to dance. They get in a fight and Jayde barges past Justin Bobby (have you heard of him?) as he shows up at the party. I’m looking for a half-full 40 that doesn’t have any cigarette butts in it and I hear Kristin talking to Justin (she’s heard of him, all right) and he’s all, “Wasn’t my joke text really funny.” And Kristin was like, “I don’t get the joke. Why did you have to say that. Why not just show up.” And he’s like, “Cause it’s funny.” I must have passed out behind the bar and I said “Isss na funny, Justin Bobby. You’re na funny a tall!”

Then some girl with a clip board and a camera crew gave me another 40 and told me to go back in the kitchen and they had the same conversation all over again. I thought it was a dream, like I was so drunk that I was hallucinating that our lives were some kind of television show and that I had played my part for the day and it was time to break character and go home, but I couldn’t, because the character is me. I kept trying to say this to Stacie, the bartender, and she just gave me another drink and picked a wad of gum out of my hair and called me a cab. I bet in the morning that bitch Stacie woke up and made a drink before she even had her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then went out on the beach and told Kristin that I have a drinking problem.

The next day, my sister, Heidi, and her sister-in-law, Stephanie, called me over to Heidi’s house. I was so glad when I got there that Heidi wasn’t “babysitting” for the child actor that she calls Enzo that she hires every so often to try to convince her husband that it’s a good idea to have kids. Enzo is real annoying, and he makes me feel guilty for putting Jameson in my coffee because he says, “My mommy does that too!”

They try to give me some sort of inner tension? Inbetweener? Something where they tell me not to drink. Stephanie is all “rehab saved me life,” and I wanted to be all “it didn’t stop you from getting a DUI last week, biatch. SNAP!” but I didn’t. I let Holly tell me she’s concerned about me. We both started crying. I’m not sure why. I just don’t like it when everyone pays attention to me and I’m sober. I needed a drink and a dance break something bad. But then Stephanie said I had to go to rehab, I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, I wanted a drink and a dance, so I stormed out and flipped them the bird on the way out.

I went next door to Enzo’s mom’s house and she was waiting on the front porch with a martini in hand. “Trust me, sister. I know just what you need.” And she held open the door as I walked in and collapsed on the couch. “With extra olives!” I said, because I hadn’t eaten breakfast and my sunglasses were making my neck sore, so it had to be time to feed.

Maybe it was the booze or maybe because I hadn’t had anything but those two olives and three Tic-Tacs in a week, but I must have passed out. I had a dream that Jayde started another fight with Brody, telling him that she thinks he has feelings for his ex, Kristin, and that means that he does. Even when he denies it, she turns his denial all around and confuses him and makes him think that he’s in love with Kristin. Brody is hot, but it’s pretty easy to convince him of just about anything.

Suddenly, I bolted awake, or at least I thought I did. I don’t know, maybe I was still dreaming. I had been stripped naked and was tied to a bed and a bunch of old people in robes were circled around me chanting. There was a star in a circle painted in dark red on the comforter and all this crazy shit on the walls. Everyone was naked and Brody was standing next to me, he was naked too and looked good but he said “Quiet, Holly, just go back to sleep. Everything is going to be OK.” They were all holding candlesl. Justin Bobby—I know you’ve heard of him—he tightened the restraints as everyone was getting closer to the bed and kept saying that I looked so much like this girl Rosemary, but I never heard of her. And then Spencer, my brother-in-law came in and tried to have sex with me. He said that Heidi wasn’t right to carry his baby, no matter how much she wanted it, and I was the one who was going to give birth to the anti-freeze, the anti-climax, I don’t know, it was anti-something and this dream was freaking me out.

When I woke up, back at my place in a pair of tattered jeans with chucks of my smashed sunglasses still in my hair, I knew it was time to get clean. I never thought that rock bottom would be filled with so many naked people and a very strange altar in my sister’s neighbor’s basement, but it lead me here, so it must have been the will of God, or some other dignitary.

Thanks for listening.

Stephanie Pratt Partied With Holly Montag Before Her DUI Arrest

Stephanie Pratt got her party started early Saturday night.  She celebrated Holly Montag‘s birthday along with fellow Hills star Stacie Hall at Empire Hollywood nightclub.

PHOTOS: Stephanie Pratt Parties Before Her Arrest

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Stephanie Pratt: DUI Bust!

The Hills star Stephanie Pratt was arrested for DUI in Hollywood around 3:45 a.m. on Sunday (October 18).

The 23-year-old reality star was taken into custody with her bail was set at $5,000.

Steph had been celebrating her co-star Holly Montag’s 26th birthday at Empire nightclub (she’s the older sister of Heidi Montag, who is the wife of Stephanie’s older brother Spencer).

Stephanie tweeted the following before the party: “its my sissy @hollymontags bday party! just finished dinner and going to Empire but im pretty tired aka yes i am the party pooper ”

Stephanie Pratt Of ‘The Hills’ Arrested For DUI

Arrest took place at 3:45 a.m. Sunday outside an L.A. nightclub.
By Gil Kaufman, with additional reporting by Jocelyn Vena

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Stephanie Pratt


Photo: Todd Williamson/WireImage

Stephanie Pratt, one of the stars of “The Hills,” was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence early Sunday morning in Hollywood.

Police said Pratt, 23, was arrested at around 3:45 a.m. outside a nightclub in Los Angeles and taken into custody, with bail set at $5,000, according to Sergeant Mark Cohan of the Los Angeles Police Department. Before her arrest, Pratt was reportedly out with some fellow “Hills” stars at Empire, celebrating Holly Montag’s 26th birthday.

Pratt was released with a ticket later Sunday morning and was not required to post bail but will return for a court hearing, according to a spokesperson at the Van Nuys Division, where Pratt was held.

Shortly before heading out to the club, Pratt tweeted, “It’s my sissy @hollymontags bday party! Just finished dinner and going to Empire but I’m pretty tired aka yes i am the party pooper ”

Cohan said that he did not know the circumstances of the arrest and could not say whether Pratt was pulled over for another violation or if the stop was DUI-related.

Pratt was arrested in Hawaii in May of 2006, along with Hannah Owens-Bender, daughter of the director of ABC’s “Lost,” for second-degree theft and drug violations.

Pratt has spoken in the past about her struggles with bulimia and self-esteem issues, as well as her battles with substance abuse.

A rep for Pratt had not responded to MTV News’ request for comment at press time.

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Stephanie Pratt and Holly Montag: Fashion Week Friends

Teaming up for an evening out on the town, Stephanie Pratt and Holly Montag were side-by-side in New York City on Saturday night (September 12).

The “Hills” co-star cuties kicked the festivities off by first making their way to the star-studded Alice + Olivia show as part of New York Fashion Week.

Daily Fill

Stephanie Pratt and Holly Montag: Fashion Week Friends

Teaming up for an evening out on the town, Stephanie Pratt and Holly Montag were side-by-side in New York City on Saturday night (September 12).

The “Hills” co-star cuties kicked the festivities off by first making their way to the star-studded Alice + Olivia show as part of New York Fashion Week.

Stephanie Pratt Busted For DUI

Is The Hills becoming a bad influence on former wild child Stephanie Pratt?
The 23-year-old was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving at 3:45 a.m. in Hollywood and taken to Van Nuys jail early this morning. She remains locked up, and her bail is set at $5,000, according to E! News.
Stephanie and many of MTV co-stars had spent the evening at Hollywood club Empire to celebrate Holly Montag’s 25th birthday.
In an ironic twist, she had tweeted earlier in the night, “its my sissy @hollymontags bday party! just finished dinner and going to Empire but im pretty tired aka yes i…