Will The Nu-Vampire Trend Please Die? Tonight?

Remember the Tarantino/Rodriguez camp-fest that was From Dusk Til’ Dawn? George Clooney killed a bunch of south-of-the-border stripper/hooker-vampires using holy water-loaded Super Soakers. That was in 1996, and it should’ve been the end of vampire-cool. Now look where we are.

Vampires are the worst. They’re not evil-evil, anymore. They’ve been rendered powerless by True Blood and Twilight and now, The CW’s The Vampire Diaries from fucked-up, baseless monsters who are honoring a timeless tradition of being terrifyingly rapey psychopaths who do nothing but sleep and kill, into very, very, very pretty people who are super-horny about their weird fetishes and yeah, I guess they want your blood, but what they really want is your girlfriend, homie. If you put fangs on everyone in The O.C. and set it a little further east, all it would take now is one “Welcome to the Transylvania, Bitch” to set off a cultural touchstone, now. It’s cheap, stupid bullshit. Vampires—male and female alike—have been castrated of their fear-factor. Christopher Walken performing “Poker Face” is scarier than Twilight, the most famous vampire franchise of our time. Hell, Twilight fans are scarier than the vampires in Twilight. Just ask Robert Pattinson.

In this month’s GQ, Tom Carson penned a essay sharing my distaste for what now passes for scary, compelling, and sexy, titled (naturally) “There’s A Sucker Born Every Minute.” While he enjoys True Blood for what it is, Carson closes by arguing that even zombies, undead as they are, are a smarter buy than vampires:

No wonder the bloodsuckers’ main competition in pop circles is a renewed craze for zombies, the ultimate fantasy of mindless egalitarianism turned comic nightmare. Funny enough, they were always American: Defined a scant forty years ago by George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, they could be the only genuinely original contribution to monster lore we’ve ever made. As a given-we may be dumb, but we’ve got working brains-zombies feed on their superiors. But I can’t think of a vampire tale in which that’s been true, which is the sickest reason we can sneakily imagine ourselves being one. Not exactly a pretty picture of our secret lives in 2009, is it? Go vampire or go zombie, America: It’s your choice. Just don’t say this great country doesn’t offer you one.

Remember when teenage girls loved the Backstreet Boys in a narrative where Lou Pearlman was the villain? Anything that can remotely make those seem like The Days absolutely blows. Vampires are not the new gays. Vampires belong nowhere near the word “tampons.” Vampires should not be a clever narrative eye-wink joke to those who adopt them as “bloodsuckers.” Vampires are the most boring, dumbed-down, unsexy, overplayed, ridiculous narrative device out there. This used to be the stuff of good literature! Holler back, Vampire Archives scholar Otto Penzler:

All (teenage girl Twilight fans) are in love with the vampire. Why is that? Because he’s cool. He has got good manners. He’s good looking. He’s thoughtful of his girlfriend. Whereas most teenage boys are lame. They’re at the mall with their baseball caps on backwards and they act like idiots. Girls are looking for someone a little more sophisticated and a little cooler.

Right, well, that guy doesn’t exist in 8th grade. And soon, when Twilight fans grow up, they’ll realize that vampires’ sense of “romance” was just the long-con to get in their pants; male, female, doesn’t matter. But forget the perceptions, forget the implications on teenagers, forget the literary device. Forget all that stuff. There are just better stories out there. Bottom line. We’ve got better scaries in Rabbi Boteach and Glenn Beck and 3/4ths of Murray Hill past 2AM on a Thursday night than any vampire can ever give us.

Give me a break. Vampires are fuckin’ stupid. I hope they die. Forever.

Spooky Scientology Center Opening Today in D.C. to Protests and Pissed-Off Commuters

Why’d Scientology unveil their new Washington D.C. “Ideal Org” on Halloween, of all days? ‘Guess the wide public perception of Scientology being spooky-sketchy hasn’t taken. Whatever the incentive: it’s pissing off commuters, being protested, and—naturally—has Anonymous spies inside.

After causing a ruckus in Rome, and stirring up chaos in Nashville, the Church of Scientology came down on D.C. today to reveal their new “Ideal Org” building, which is apparently like Scientology’s version of the special McDonalds that serve all the new special things that the rest of America has to wait for first, or something: it’s a special super-awesome Scientology outpost.

To help assist the citizens of D.C. welcome it, they shut down a huge street, hung giant sheets, and tried to scatter and rid themselves of protesters. Via DCist:

Police are out in full force around the humongous 50,000-square foot building, and security is tight — a ten-foot tall white temporary barricade is blocking off 16th Street; there are huge draping banners reading “SCIENTOLOGY” and “DIANETICS”, though, in case those walking by on their Saturday jaunts to the 14th and P retail corridor were wondering what the hell was going on with this big white thing in the middle of the street.

Ohhhh. That’s why those people are creepily going through that gigantic white sheet. Wonder what’s on the other side of it? I know! It’s a small man with scary eyes named David Miscavage. He’s the head of Scientology and he talked to his Scientology followers today.

There’re way fun things in this picture! See if you can spot the guy in the anti-psychology jacket. And important Scientologists! And the guy in the peach-colored shirt who looks like he’s missing his head. And here’re more people ready for Miscavage to rock their faces:

There’re also the people waving French flags outside this joint in honor of France’s recent ruling against Scientology “fleecing” followers. Fleecing, indeed.

Looks like they keep on keepin’ on after the awful week they just had, between Tommy Davis’ freakouts and Paul Haggis’ resignation from the church. So, basically, your typical Scientology shitshow. If you have any reports from what was said on the inside, let’s hear ‘em.

Levi Johnston: Sad, Sorry, Suing for Custody of His Son, and Still Maybe Keeping Very Big Secrets

UK Guardian reporter Ed Pilkington went to Anchorage to interview the 19 year-old babydaddy of Tripp Palin, Levi Johnston. There’s audio, and some fairly interesting insight from Johnston on the Palin family and his Vanity Fair article, which was “retaliation.”

Let’s go straight to some quotes from the interview:

On the Vanity Fair piece: “I stand by it and I’m cool with everything I said. The route I chose to pick was just because they wouldn’t let me see my kid. So I didn’t really think that there was another way. That was the huge thing that made me do this. I don’t want to (say it was retaliation)…I mean, I guess. If they would’ve let me see my kid, everything’s fine, I never would’ve had to do any of that. They were gettin’ scared. They know I know a lot. I still know more than what’s out there. Then it got bad again and I said screw it, Vanity Fair article.

And on the custody issues Levi’s having now: It’s startin’ to get bad again. They’re making it kind of a pain in the ass again (to see Trip). I know I’m gonna end up (going to court). There’re a lot of secrets and a lot of things that I haven’t put out there that are bad…so I don’t know if I want to. Some of the stuff I got, kept in, would either really hurt her or really get her in trouble. So, I really don’t want to say anything else. I’m not that kind of person, no matter how much she pisses me off. I don’t want to leak anything huge on her.

Okay, so, questions:

1. Is Levi Johnston screwing with all of us? It’s entirely possible. An interesting way to gauge this would be to figure out the timeline on the Vanity Fair piece? Did Levi approach VF? Vice versa? Was there a lag between an offer and the acceptance of the offer? Despite all of the custodial trauma Levi’s claiming, you’ve gotta wonder if he isn’t enjoying his time in the limelight. I can’t imagine he isn’t. On the other hand, walking around L.A. with the same big guys he was seen at Monkey Bar with have been the most egregious extent of his famewhoring. He could, theoretically, be doing much, much worse.

2. What the hell isn’t he talking about? And why isn’t he? Sure, Levi’s claiming principles as the obstacle we’re facing to knowing everything he’s got on the Palin family, but this 19 year-old kid from the sticks is either as innocent as he’s assumed to be, or is far, far savvier than anyone could ever imagine (or at least savvy enough to listen to good advice). Hanging on to whatever he knows and leaking info out in droplets could maybe, possibly, profoundly scare the shit out of Sarah Palin and her oft-projected 2012 run’s potential. Then again, maybe she isn’t running, maybe she actually is done, and maybe a cost-benefit breakdown of what Levi’s leaks could get him as opposed to the trouble it could cause for Palin’s entire family really isn’t worth it to him. He’s a 19 year-old father, though: so what, exactly, is?

3. Will the threat of a lawsuit do anything to the Palin camp? And what could a lawsuit mean for them? Either way, we’re gonna find out, and with it, the weight of whatever Johnston may or may not have, and the character of his balls if forced to move it forward. [Ed. Oh, we'll definitely know that soon enough. Intimately.]

Listen to the audio. We read and read about a lot of bullshit. We watch it on TV and in movies. But just the audio track? It’s different. There’s that dumb line from a movie: the truth just sounds different. Well, man, it does.

‘Could be that there’s another way for him to earn a buck that doesn’t have to do with being in the spotlight—he remembers at the beginning of the interview his prospects in hockey or as an electrician—because Levi sounds down, out, and tired of dealing with all of this shit. Maybe he just wants to see his kid, and move forward with his life as something other than Levi Johnston, Asspain to Sarah Palin.

Or he’s an underdog genius who’s playing the media and the entire Palin narrative to his liking. At this point, pick one: the odds are about the same. More highlights:

On Sarah Palin’s Vice President nomination: “Didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t care. I didn’t think it was that huge. I’m just gonna sit here and not say a word.”

On Palin’s personal interaction nature: “You can catch her in a lie a lot of the time. She don’t read the newspaper. A lot of the things she’s sayin’, I know she’s lying.”

On the outdoorsmen nature of the Palin family: “I’d say (Sarah’s) definitely stretchin’ it big time. They’re not a big hunting family.”

On racism in the Palin household: “No, not (Sarah Palin)..no. She never said anything like that. She’s not the racist type.”

On Palin’s loss: “After the election, she didn’t want us to get married, really. You could tell that they’re all sad about everything. I don’t know, just her attitude towards everything was pretty down. I don’t think she had much care for anything for a while. She hung around in her room a lot. I think she just wanted to be left alone for a while. She just went through a big depression, I think. She was bummed out bad.”

On his breakup with Bristol: “There’s no one to blame for it. I mean, if it didn’t work, it didn’t work.”

On what he thinks of Sarah Palin now: “I still don’t think bad about her. But…You know, just some of the shit she pulled on me—encouraging Bristol not to let me see the kid and everything else, from her acting like she liked me for four or five plus years, and then going on saying that stuff, is just ridiculous how fake they are…it’s just ridiculous.”

Again: the truth just sounds different. Is this it?

[Photo of Levi in "happier" times via Getty Images/Robyn Beck]

Pink – Topless in Bryan Adams Photoshoot

Why Did Peter Andre Do This???

We don’t even know what to say about this.

Peter Andre looked totally natural for pictures at the launch of his women’s fragrance, Unconditional, Friday at The Perfume Shop in London.

What? Why??

We know that pretty much anyone can be a “perfumier” these days, but he’s not even doing a men’s scent.

So random!

Given his history, we’re not sure anyone would want to smell like the women he finds attractive. We’re sure that the whole “unconditional,” bit is a dig at ex, Katie Price. And since he’s clearly hung up on her, we’d be willing to bet she had something to do with the inspiration for and direction of the scent. Which is a scary, scary thought, considering her, uh, style.

Who wants to smell like spray-tan and pleather? If women want a man to tell them how to smell, we think it’s going to be Tom Ford or Marc Jacobs, not Peter Andre.

Sorry buddy!

[Image via WENN.]

Lindsay Should Team Up With Heidi

If you combined Lindsay Lohan’s stripper leggings from 6126 and Heidi Montag’s Heidiwood hooker wear, they’d have the entire stripper industry covered!

If only we lived in a perfect world.

Until that happens, strippers will just have to shop at each place separately.

These images of Lindsanity’s ad campaign for her new leggings have hit the web and we find her attempt of being sexy, scary!

It wouldn’t have hurt her to lather up in some of her crappy Sevin Nyne tanning product. Combine that with her lack of food intake and it’s like looking at a ghost!

And can she do anything without touching her hair??? We’re surprised it all hasn’t broken off or fallen out yet!

She’s just one frail hot mess. Sad.

What do U think of the new 6126 leggings???

Colin Farrell & Alicja Bachleda Welcome A Son

Colin Farrell & Alicja Bachleda welcomed their new son Henry Tadeusz Farrell on Oct. 7, 2009 in Los Angeles.  Henry is the first son for Polish actress Alicja and the second for Colin, who has a 6-year-old son, James, with model Kim Bordenave. Congrats to the happy couple!

Ryan Seacrest’s Alleged Stalker Arrested!

 

Ryan Seacrest’s Alleged Stalker Arrested!

Trilogy of Terror: Happy Halloween!

Extradition Next Step For Randy & Evi Quaid (VIDEO)

Adriana Vasini Miss Hispanoamérica 2009

Sandra Bullock Says She’s ‘Difficult’

Oldies, But Goldies – Angelina Jolie When She Was 16

Abigail Breslin Angers Deaf & Blind People

Kelly Ripa As Lady Gaga & Regis As Susan Boyle (VIDEO)

Photo: Flynet Pictures

Wherever Robert Pattinson Goes…A Crowd Is Sure To Follow!

With fame comes followers, Hottie Robert Pattinson famous for playing Edward Cullen in the film adaptation of Twilight, causes a stir wherever he goes whether he likes it or not. On a recent trip to Rite Aid, the British actor was quickly swarmed by bodyguards, fans, and curious bystanders.  Robert seemed to take it all in stride.

Photos: Fame Pictures

Winona Ryder Covers Blackbook November 2009

Winona Ryder graces the cover of Blackbook November 2009 issue.  The cover was shot by Andrew Macpherson and styled by Anda & Masha.  The issue also features Jared Leto, La Roux, Willem Dafoe, Richard Linklater, Lily Cole, Devendra Banhart, Terry Gilliam, Jonathan Safran Foer, and Pee-Wee Herman.

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